Anxiety creeping

Brett turned up at 10:30ish. So not too late on Thursday. We tried to get an early night but we like to chill and catch up. He woke Scarlett up when he got there so he had to put her back to bed and she wasn’t amused so I ended up giving her a small bottle, as well as teething gel after he had changed her nappy. Once she was asleep we got into bed.

Friday 21st:

Brett turned 25!!!! I got up with Scarlett for nursery. Dressed her then woke Brett up so he could say goodbye as we weren’t going to see her till Saturday once she left. They had cuddles then my Nan picked her up. I climbed back in to bed for a bit. We got up later than we should’ve and he wanted to shower and shit before we left so that took longer. We ended up leaving at 2ish. Train was due at 2:45. Didn’t leave until gone 3pm. We made a “friend” on the platform. An older lady was sat next to us on the bench and she started talking to us. Harmless enough. However it became very clear she was drunk. She was 63 (she said), still very sexually active (she also said) and had a boyfriend in Southampton (where she was headed apparently). We hopped on the train and settled in the “quiet carriage” and she had gotten on a different carriage. 3 minutes later she wanders past with all her stuff and plonks down next to us (well next to me). Fun times. She dropped all her stuff (in that drunk clumsy way people do). So we scrambled around helping her pick it up. She asked our names as she was texting someone about her trip (and meeting us two) and 3 times Brett told her what his name was and 3 times she called him Brian! It was a very painful experience. Thankfully she departed the train at Winchester (after asking us 5 times where she was going?) and we had a quiet remainder to our journey.

We finally got to Portsmouth at 4:25pm. We headed to our hotel for check in. Checked in. Threw our stuff on the bed and went straight back out for dinner. By the time we arrived at Gunwharf Quays it was almost 5. We walked along the food promenade and settled on Pizza Express. Whilst we ate I booked our cinema tickets for 7:15. We finished eating and went for a drink as we had plenty of time. We watched Fast & Furious 8. It’s not my kind of film as such but I have seen most of them so I did enjoy it. After we left the cinema it was about 10ish so we got a train back to the hotel. We wanted some nibbles so we hunted for a convenience store. No success. Brett ended up asking a local and he directed us to the nearest Tesco lol

We didn’t get to sleep until 2am (maybe later). We got caught up in the typical dirty weekend things – food, trashy TV and sex (Obvs). Overall we’d had a good day and night. Brett said his birthday had been great day!!!

Saturday 22nd:

We got up at 9:30 and went down to the restaurant for breakfast. We came back up for showers and packing then at midday we checked out and headed back to Gunwharf. Brett had birthday money to spend and I just wanted to wander. Also we had to do the Spinnaker Tower as Brett had never done it. So we did that first then we had lunch in the cafe below it.

We headed to the shops. Brett had his eyes on some Ralph Lauren so that’s where we headed. I got Scarlett some adorable floral shoes for our trip to Italy in August. We paid for our stuff and then he went to a different store for his dad’s birthday present and then we headed back to the train station to head home.

We got off the train at 4:30 and my nan picked us up. Scarlett acted super excited when she first saw us but then acted all indifferent when we tried to hug her haha sassy pants!

We had a cuppa tea then went home. Brett did bath time whilst we picked up dinner. We had a nice take away from the chippy. He and I then put Scarlett to bed and then watched the Conor McGregor DVD I bought him for his birthday. That was about 3/4 hours then we settled down for bed.

Today (Sunday 23rd):

St. George’s day today. Scarlett’s second one. She gave me a lay in. She woke up at 8 ish but I didn’t hear her till almost 8:30 as she was just talking to herself in her cot! I have her a bottle then we played. Then she had breakfast (and tipped some fruit all over the floor) then I dressed her. I woke Brett up at 10:30 and then at 11 I put Scarlett down for a nap. She slept for ages and I watched some catch-up NCIS. Obsessed with the show. No idea why! Once she was up, we got ready and went to my nan’s for Sunday dinner. Scarlett had her dress on for all over 5 minutes before tipping most of her dinner down herself, mostly gravy.

We had a good afternoon. She walked around the garden, a lot. Mom, her boyfriend, Brett and I nipped to the shops for some food shopping then we swung back to pick Scarlett up before heading home. Brett went home at 5 and I fed Scarlett some tea before taking her up for a bath. She was so tired. She just kept laying her head on my shoulder. At 6:30. She never goes to bed much before 7 usually. But nonetheless I did her bottle and put her to bed. She was out like a light.

I went up and had a shower at 9 and then just chilled etc. I watched some tele and came up to bed at midnight but it’s 1:30am and I’m still awake because it’s hit me that I don’t want to go to work tomorrow and I’ve been to the loo 4 times with stress related bowel issues. I hate that I cannot control my life. I’ve been actively looking for a new job for months and have had no luck. My friend has been looking for maybe a month or so and she managed to land one quickly and has handed her notice in already. I feel sick at the thought of going to work. My mental health is affected so much. To the point where I saw my doctor last week and got referred on to discuss my problems. Anxiety she reckons but I think it’s more than that.

I just had a row with my mom. We were just having a laugh and then I was talking about work and that I hate that I cannot just quit now and she was going on about “don’t forget that I cannot afford to have you here if you’re not working” and it just angered me because as if I don’t know this. She’s been giving me that same line since I was 18. I’m well-a-fucking-ware that she depends on my income. Which adds to my stress because not only do I have a child who relies on me but also my mother. So then she started to say “oh it’s my fault you’re stressed”. I cut her off and told her to leave my room. She carried on so I screeched at her to get out. I think she called me a cunt as she stormed out and slammed her bedroom door. Yeah I’m a cunt because I’m very clearly fucking struggling with life ATM and she knows this because I’ve told her this. She knows about my doctors appointments and stuff.

But whatever. I’m not apologising for telling her to leave my room.

Morning looms closer!


Christmas Market

Well Brett and I took Scarlett to see santa on Sunday. We queued up for ages and took her in the grotto. She was fine all the while the door was ajar so there was light but soon as the “elf” shut the door, she screamed. On santas lap. Right when the camera went off. So the picture we have is a classic and will be shown at every opportunity because it’s funny. She got a toy and she liked what she got. She was playing with it once we left the grotto.

We wandered and then got the bus to my nan’s house as she has cooked us dinner. We ate and Scarlett had her dinner. She ate so much!!!

Brett went home in the evening and I sorted Scarlett with bath and bedtime then I had a nice hot shower.

Monday she was 45 weeks.

She’s teething like a champ and god it’s painful. All week was a nightmare. Scarlett had me up every night except Sunday. I then had to go to work for 9 hours. Proper suck-age lol I struggled. I won’t lie. Redbull was my BFF !!!!

Friday she did a full day and I think she’s getting use to it now. It’s her 4th one so that’s pretty good.

She had me up a lot last night and I was so damn tired this morning that I proper moaned to my two bestfriends. I hardly ever do that because for the most part, she’s really a good happy baby. With an attitude. But happy lol

My mom and her boyfriend were taking a trip to Chichester for the Christmas markets so we tagged along too. I posted my xmas cards and presents to various friends at the post office on the way then we set off. Scarlett slept for the whole journey after I had fed her a bottle. We had a wander around the markets then we walked out of the town centre to Whetherspoons for lunch. Scarlett had some cheesy garlic bread whilst I ate dinner and she drank water from her sippy cup. It was a proud mama moment as I had never seen her do it.

We finished eating and walked back to the car and headed back towards home. We stopped off at Morrisons to do some shopping then we went to my nan’s for a cuppa. She had put her tree up and Scarlett was very interested in it lol

After we had a cuppa we left for home. I bathed her then she had a bottle. She was very grumpy so she had some calpol and some teething powder then I put her to bed. It was 8:30. She’s usually down by 7. She rolled around a bit and stood up a few times but eventually she went to sleep. I hope she doesn’t have me up too much tonight. We are off to my dads for the day tomorrow and I’d rather she was happier than grumpier lol

I’m just in bed catching up with Once Upon A Time and eating a cheese toastie :)


I found a bloody dress

So Saturday I got up with Scarlett at 7ish. She had a bottle then a nap then some porridge. She played whilst I ate some leftovers. Didn’t have to share this time lol my Nan said she’d take her for 2 hours so I could focus on finding a damn dress for my works Christmas do. Ordinarily I wouldn’t want to leave Scarlett at home. As I love spending the weekend with her. But I know she’s a big distraction and I desperately need to find a dress that A) I don’t completely hate and B) actually fits me. So I dropped her round my nan’s at 1ish and then went to town.

I tried Debenhams, Sainsbury’s, Asda and Evans. As well as Peacocks and Store 21. I had lost the will to live so I went online and ordered one I’d looked at in the week. I just hoped it would fit okay. It was an amazon prime product so it was due to arrive Monday.

I went back to my nan’s house. Ended up having dinner there. Scarlett had some too. Then my Nan took us home. I sorted her bath then bottle then bed. I watched a filmed in bed called Mother’s Day. It was one I’d wanted to see when I first came out in the cinema but had never got around to it. It was good.

Sunday we were being picked up at 9:30am for the cinema. She woke up at 7am. I gave her a bottle at 7:30 then she napped. She didn’t wake up till 8:45. I had to quickly give her porridge then get us dressed. We got to the cinema at 10ish. Film started at 10am but the adverts meant that by the time we’d got our tickets, got in the lift, parked the stroller and got our seats, it still hadn’t started lol Scarlett was SO brilliant. I fully expected her to not want to stay. And for £2 a ticket I would’ve happily got up and took her out. But she napped for the first hour then woke up, played on my lap then had a bottle then played some more. She watched bits of the film. She laid back on my chest staring at the screen every now and then. She only started whinging 5 minutes from the end credits. I was super proud of her!!!!! The film was The BFG. It’s brilliant. So pleased we watched (I say WE but really I did).

After cinema we went shopping as I needed some food for lunch at work all week then we got the bus to my nan’s for Sunday lunch. Scarlett ate loads of dinner and shouted for more. Little fatty.

We left in the early evening. She skipped her 4-5pm bottle, had a bath then had 6oz before bed. She went to sleep but an hour later she cried for more so I gave her 4oz so she’d have had her usual 10oz before bed (5pm – 5oz then 8pm – 5oz). She then went to bed.

Not a great nights sleep with her but could be worse.

She had her full day of nursery today and they tried to give her a bottle at 1:30pm like we said she has normally and the little Moo wouldn’t drink it. So she skipped that bottle. Then when she was picked up at 5:30 she screamed all the way home. She never screams. I made her a 6oz and she drained that then she was happier. Then an hour later after her bath she had 4oz then went to bed.

I’m just watching some tele and wrapping some more presents. I will go to bed soon.

SD and I had a row because he messaged me saying he’d found my blog (like it’s hard to find. It’s public). I told him not to message if he’s just come to start an argument. So what that he found my blog. I’ve got nothing to hide. It’s public for that reason so well done to him for finding it (eye roll). I think he was trying to find evidence that there is more than just him in the frame to be her father. I wish there was. Then I wouldn’t have to put up with him and his BS. So I think he’s not going to see her now because he isn’t 100% sure she’s his (she is) and he won’t pay for the DNA so we might as well just go our separate ways. We don’t need him. I had hoped they’d be able to develop a nice relationship but it’s not going to happen and that’s fine, at least I can tell her in 18 years that I did try my hardest. And at least it’s out in the open, his family know we exist. If they wish to see her and be part of her life then they know where she is. Entirely up to them.

I tried my dress on. It fits lovely so I’ll wear that on Friday for the works Christmas do. I can stop stressing over it now. Just need a handbag and to dig my silver wedges out.


This time last year

Friday I went to work even though I knew Scarlett wasn’t well. I just cannot afford to keep taking time off with her. So I packed her off to nursery. We didn’t do anything Friday night. Scarlett went to bed and I just chilled out.

Saturday we went and picked up our photo shoot prints then we went to my nan’s for lunch and a cuppa tea. We went home for some dinner. I bathed and dressed Scarlett for the party then I strapped her in the stroller so I could sort myself and hoped she would have a nap. She did. I washed my hair, put some make up on then dried and straightened my hair. Took me about an hour from start to end. Off we went. She did so well. She was awake for an hour when we got there then I fed her the bedtime bottle. She settled down and went to sleep so I put her in the pram. She slept for half hour (with the disco music blaring) and then woke up and wanted a play. So she hung out with various people then she fell asleep on her godmother, Debbie. I took her again and after half hour she woke up. So I sat on the floor with her and she played with some toys. We left at 11:30ish. She went straight to bed. She’s such a good girl really.

Sunday (yesterday) my Nan and grandad were out for dinner for a change so mom cooked us a lovely roast. Scarlett joined us and she loved it. She’s a food monster.

Today she is 42 weeks. I know it’s weird to keep doing the weeks thing but it’s so I have a weekly shot of her for her birthday Flipagram video. Once she’s a year old I’ll stop doing weekly and just continue to do monthly until she’s 2. Not with stickers though. They only go up to 12 months lol

This time last year was the day I finally found out (after 29 weeks) that SHE was a SHE!!!! How exciting. Now look at her, nearly 10 months old, beautiful and brilliant.

Off to bed. Got work tomorrow.


9 months

Well the weekend wasn’t half bad except for kind of arguing with my dad about the situation with Harry plus Brett and I constantly back and forth about it as well.

Saturday me and Scarlett got the train down to my dad’s. We stayed at theirs till lunch. Scarlett was playing on the floor with everyone. Then we put her in the stroller and walked to the pub down the road for dinner. I had a delicious grilled chicken burger with chips. I had cheesy garlic for a starter and I shared with Scarlett. She loves cheese, and garlic it seems. We walked back to dad’s. My stepmom, my sister and me wanted to pop to town so we left Scarlett with my dad and off we went. We went into H&M and I got her this lush navy blue sparkly dress. I am thinking she can either wear on Christmas day or her birthday. It is lovely. I also got her a pair of fur lined boots. They are too big but she’ll wear them once she is walking. My stepmom got her 3 different grey jumpers and some gloves.

We got the train home at 5:20pm. Mom picked us up the other end and we went home. Harry and I agreed to meet Sunday lunch time instead of next Sunday as we were both free. I wanted to get it out of the way for 2 reasons.

  1. I couldn’t bear waiting. The anxiety in my stomach over it was driving me insane
  2. I needed to know if we could be in the same room as each other and it not be awkward. We hadn’t been face-to-face in 18 months, since the night Scarlett was conceived. So I had no idea what it would be like to see him.

Sunday I got up with Scarlett. Fed her. She slept a lot. Woke up for porridge. Had a little play. She was due a feed at 12ish so I fed her then she napped. She woke up at 1pm when Harry turned up. I could tell he wanted to play with her but (appreciatively) he asked me first if he could. He sat on the floor with her, playing. She was climbing all over him, giggling etc. I needed the loo so I nipped upstairs quickly. She usually would whinge if I left her but she didn’t. She just carried on playing. That was nice.

He came with some gifts. He bought her a multicolored cardigan (it is lush) and some velvety trousers. He and I chatted. A bit about the past but also about what we expect from the future. He picked her up and she sat with him. I took a few pictures. Mostly so that she has proof that he did at least see her once, even IF he does decide he doesn’t want to see her again. They are for her memory box.


I am not sure when he will see her next. Maybe the end of the week. We don’t want to overload her so he only stayed for an hour. And next time will only be an hour too.

After he left I walked Scarlett round my nan’s. She was asleep, again, so I left her there so me and Mom could go back to Vodafone to finish upgrading my iPhone. I am getting the iPhone 6S in Rose Gold, 32GB with 5GB of data and unlimited texts and calls. I can’t wait for that and my iPad to be delivered to store.

Yesterday (Monday) Scarlett was 39 weeks. She is so sassy. She loves waving at people and giggling. She is teething I think. Officially. As her butt is red raw and she cried when I wiped her when she had a dirty nappy. My poor baby. She had a salty bath to help keep it clean and heal better.

She had me up at 3am because she had pooped in the night and she was sore. After I changed her I put her in my bed to sleep with me. She slept till 5:30am then was up. She wouldn’t go back to sleep lol

Today my little princess is 39 weeks plus 1 day, which is precisely how far I was when she was yanked from my uterus after 2 days of induced early labour. She is also 9 months!!! I have a 5 inch scar and more stretch marks than before but I wouldn’t change any of that. She is my world. I love to show her off but at the same time I hate sharing her. Although that said, I share her with Brett already and we manage. I think we can safely figure out how to share her with Harry and his family too.


Harry is coming round tomorrow evening. Not sure what time but obviously it’ll be between 5:30 and 8 as she usually gets ready for bed no later than 8.

Brett is coming down this weekend and Scarlett is having her 9 month pictures done. I want some of me and her, some of her on her own and some of us 3 together. Maybe I shouldn’t do that because “he’s not her dad” but tough shit. He and I are in this for the long haul. We’ve had little wobbles, and big ones, but all that matters is we love each other. And he’s been the constant male figure in her life since she was 10 weeks old. To her, he IS daddy. And he still will be. She’ll just be lucky like I was and have 2.


Bye Liverpool

Well we have had a brilliant trip to Liverpool. I am so glad to be home though. That train journey home is mad.

Tuesday we decided to go for a walk around the shops. We hit the water front first and I dragged Tasha and Kira up the Freij wheel on the docks. I didn’t realise Tash has a thing about heights, same as our pal Nicola so it must be love if she allowed me to drag her up the wheel lol

So after the wheel we went for a wander around the shops. I went a tad mad in Primark. In my defence, I had to get Scarlett a whole wardrobe for nursery. When I registered her they said that whilst they do their best to ensure their clothes remain relatively mess-free, they cannot guarantee it and one nursery worker told me to go in to Primark for its cheapness. Because as she point out, I’m less likely to worry if she’s wearing something from Primark and crawls through paint or gets her dinner down herself than I would if it was “nicer” clothes. She had a point. So I spent about £80 in there. I got 9-12 months as their sizes always come up smaller so it won’t be long before she’s wearing them even though she’s small and not even 8 months yet lol

We went for dinner again that night at the same place. The whetherspoons. We didn’t see our “mate” again lol

Wednesday we were due to meet the Liverpool girlies (hence the point of travelling all that way). Scarlett was napping after her feed so I left her to sleep then when she woke we grabbed our stuff and left. Tasha had said Kira was being a little madam so she wanted her to kip and she’d meet me there as soon as she was awake. I was only 20 minutes late and Tasha was 20 minutes behind me. I had a nice chat to all the ladies and cooed over their babies. Scarlett went to a few ladies for a cuddle. We went our separate ways after everyone had finished eating. I barely ate because the food wasn’t the kind I eat (fussy eater, right here). We wandered and then took the girls up Radio City Tower. It’s basically a radio hub that’s very high up and you can see for miles. So we did that.

We ended up having dinner in pizza expresss in Liverpool One shopping centre. We decided that another meal at Whetherspoons was a bit much lol I had dough balls and garlic bread. I didn’t fancy pizza although Tasha’s pizza did look lush.

Tasha left that night. Her other half picked her and Kira up.

I booked our train ticket home. It was £49 and we had to be on the designated train at that specific time. We missed the train by 10 freaking minutes. All because we got a bit lost trying to get the merseryrail from Moorfield to Lime Street. So I had to fork it £93 and then wait an hour. So I fed Scarlett then she had a nap.

When the virgin fast train got to Euston I desperately needed a wee so I paid 30p (travesty, why should I pay for a bodily function that I cannot control) and had to take Scarlett with me. There was no signs for baby change (would’ve been easier as bigger room/stall) so took her in normal ladies toilets. In her stroller. Couldn’t close toilet door with her in the way but couldn’t risk (obvs) leaving her outside it so I peed with the door open. Then when I came back out a guard had a go because I’d abandoned the suitcase. Even though I tried to explain that 1) I had to because I couldn’t wheel EVERYTHING into the ladies toilets, 2) I had had to take my baby with me in to the ladies as there was no baby change and therefore everything was made harder and 3) I didn’t see him there 10 minutes previous when I was struggling. I was so annoyed at him.

We finally got home and I was so pleased. Scarlett had missed her nanny and I missed home comforts.

Scarlett is in bed and so am I now.

Can’t believe it’s September already. Where has the time gone?


5 days to go

So today Scarlett woke up at 8am. She had a few ounces of milk then slept for a solid 2 hours. She woke up beaming and happy. She finished her bottle then we got ready to go to my nan’s. She was going to watch her for me so I could get my haircut and find an outfit for my party.

So I fed her her lunchtime bottle then I left for town. I had my haircut and then treated myself to some decent hair and skin stuff (birthday presents to myself). I looked around but couldn’t find anything I liked so gave up and went back to my nan’s. She said Scarlett had just woke up. Apparently she’d slept most the time I was gone. Typical haha

My nan’s sister-in-law offered to take me to some outlet stores quickly so we ended up in Next. I found a purple top I liked so I’ll wear that to my party with some nice jeans and heels. It’ll do.

I had dinner at nan’s whilst Scarlett tried to climb all over me (I was sat on the floor with my plate on the coffee table). Her hands just kept appearing on the table trying to grab things lol she had had a bottle so she wasn’t hungry, just curious and nosey.

We walked home at 6ish. I fed her some dinner then I took her upstairs whilst I dyed my hair. I bathed her then fed her her nighttime bottle. Once she was settled I washed my hair dye off and then showered as I was hot and sweaty. I hate this weird humid weather.

Mom came in from work after 9. I made her a cup of tea then I came up to bed.

My friend Nicola wants to come to the London eye with me and Scarlett. So we’ve both booked a Flexi Fast Track tickets. I’m looking forward to spending the day with her and Matilda.

I’m in bed watching TV. Think I’ll head to sleep soon just trying to figure out if I’m hungry or not lol

We are going to Virginia water tomorrow with my grandparents, my nan’s brother and sister-in-law for a walk and then we are going out for dinner. Should be nice.