Anxiety creeping

Brett turned up at 10:30ish. So not too late on Thursday. We tried to get an early night but we like to chill and catch up. He woke Scarlett up when he got there so he had to put her back to bed and she wasn’t amused so I ended up giving her a small bottle, as well as teething gel after he had changed her nappy. Once she was asleep we got into bed.

Friday 21st:

Brett turned 25!!!! I got up with Scarlett for nursery. Dressed her then woke Brett up so he could say goodbye as we weren’t going to see her till Saturday once she left. They had cuddles then my Nan picked her up. I climbed back in to bed for a bit. We got up later than we should’ve and he wanted to shower and shit before we left so that took longer. We ended up leaving at 2ish. Train was due at 2:45. Didn’t leave until gone 3pm. We made a “friend” on the platform. An older lady was sat next to us on the bench and she started talking to us. Harmless enough. However it became very clear she was drunk. She was 63 (she said), still very sexually active (she also said) and had a boyfriend in Southampton (where she was headed apparently). We hopped on the train and settled in the “quiet carriage” and she had gotten on a different carriage. 3 minutes later she wanders past with all her stuff and plonks down next to us (well next to me). Fun times. She dropped all her stuff (in that drunk clumsy way people do). So we scrambled around helping her pick it up. She asked our names as she was texting someone about her trip (and meeting us two) and 3 times Brett told her what his name was and 3 times she called him Brian! It was a very painful experience. Thankfully she departed the train at Winchester (after asking us 5 times where she was going?) and we had a quiet remainder to our journey.

We finally got to Portsmouth at 4:25pm. We headed to our hotel for check in. Checked in. Threw our stuff on the bed and went straight back out for dinner. By the time we arrived at Gunwharf Quays it was almost 5. We walked along the food promenade and settled on Pizza Express. Whilst we ate I booked our cinema tickets for 7:15. We finished eating and went for a drink as we had plenty of time. We watched Fast & Furious 8. It’s not my kind of film as such but I have seen most of them so I did enjoy it. After we left the cinema it was about 10ish so we got a train back to the hotel. We wanted some nibbles so we hunted for a convenience store. No success. Brett ended up asking a local and he directed us to the nearest Tesco lol

We didn’t get to sleep until 2am (maybe later). We got caught up in the typical dirty weekend things – food, trashy TV and sex (Obvs). Overall we’d had a good day and night. Brett said his birthday had been great day!!!

Saturday 22nd:

We got up at 9:30 and went down to the restaurant for breakfast. We came back up for showers and packing then at midday we checked out and headed back to Gunwharf. Brett had birthday money to spend and I just wanted to wander. Also we had to do the Spinnaker Tower as Brett had never done it. So we did that first then we had lunch in the cafe below it.

We headed to the shops. Brett had his eyes on some Ralph Lauren so that’s where we headed. I got Scarlett some adorable floral shoes for our trip to Italy in August. We paid for our stuff and then he went to a different store for his dad’s birthday present and then we headed back to the train station to head home.

We got off the train at 4:30 and my nan picked us up. Scarlett acted super excited when she first saw us but then acted all indifferent when we tried to hug her haha sassy pants!

We had a cuppa tea then went home. Brett did bath time whilst we picked up dinner. We had a nice take away from the chippy. He and I then put Scarlett to bed and then watched the Conor McGregor DVD I bought him for his birthday. That was about 3/4 hours then we settled down for bed.

Today (Sunday 23rd):

St. George’s day today. Scarlett’s second one. She gave me a lay in. She woke up at 8 ish but I didn’t hear her till almost 8:30 as she was just talking to herself in her cot! I have her a bottle then we played. Then she had breakfast (and tipped some fruit all over the floor) then I dressed her. I woke Brett up at 10:30 and then at 11 I put Scarlett down for a nap. She slept for ages and I watched some catch-up NCIS. Obsessed with the show. No idea why! Once she was up, we got ready and went to my nan’s for Sunday dinner. Scarlett had her dress on for all over 5 minutes before tipping most of her dinner down herself, mostly gravy.

We had a good afternoon. She walked around the garden, a lot. Mom, her boyfriend, Brett and I nipped to the shops for some food shopping then we swung back to pick Scarlett up before heading home. Brett went home at 5 and I fed Scarlett some tea before taking her up for a bath. She was so tired. She just kept laying her head on my shoulder. At 6:30. She never goes to bed much before 7 usually. But nonetheless I did her bottle and put her to bed. She was out like a light.

I went up and had a shower at 9 and then just chilled etc. I watched some tele and came up to bed at midnight but it’s 1:30am and I’m still awake because it’s hit me that I don’t want to go to work tomorrow and I’ve been to the loo 4 times with stress related bowel issues. I hate that I cannot control my life. I’ve been actively looking for a new job for months and have had no luck. My friend has been looking for maybe a month or so and she managed to land one quickly and has handed her notice in already. I feel sick at the thought of going to work. My mental health is affected so much. To the point where I saw my doctor last week and got referred on to discuss my problems. Anxiety she reckons but I think it’s more than that.

I just had a row with my mom. We were just having a laugh and then I was talking about work and that I hate that I cannot just quit now and she was going on about “don’t forget that I cannot afford to have you here if you’re not working” and it just angered me because as if I don’t know this. She’s been giving me that same line since I was 18. I’m well-a-fucking-ware that she depends on my income. Which adds to my stress because not only do I have a child who relies on me but also my mother. So then she started to say “oh it’s my fault you’re stressed”. I cut her off and told her to leave my room. She carried on so I screeched at her to get out. I think she called me a cunt as she stormed out and slammed her bedroom door. Yeah I’m a cunt because I’m very clearly fucking struggling with life ATM and she knows this because I’ve told her this. She knows about my doctors appointments and stuff.

But whatever. I’m not apologising for telling her to leave my room.

Morning looms closer!




So I totally forgot to blog for a while! Here’s what has been happening.

Thursday 13th:

Had work and then at 5pm I was free for 10 days!!!

Friday 14th (Easter Friday):

Bank holidays rule! Scarlett had me up at usual time. Sorted her then we played. She had a nap then once she was up we got on the train to Brett’s house. Scarlett went to bed at 9ish I think.

Saturday 15th:

We didn’t get up to much. Weather wasn’t overly great so stayed in. We got ready for the party (Brett’s friend’s 21st) and off we went. I had a fairly decent night. Finally met some of his peeps. Hopefully didn’t show myself up, even though I puked a few times before getting the uber home lol

Sunday 16th (Easter Sunday):

I was hanging out my asshole when I woke up with Scarlett at 8am. She wanted to run about and I just wanted to die BUT I did get up. I gave her a bottle. Dragged her to the toilet so I could puke a bit more. She gave me this judgmental stare. 15 months old and that sort of attitude! #MyKidRules

At 10am Brett’s mom said did I want her to take Scarlett with her to visit some family for a few hours? Yes please lol so off they went. I climbed back into bed. After 2 hours I felt right as rain. Was starving and dinner wasn’t due til 3ish so I had a bit of toast and some more water. I felt much better. Dinner was lovely. Brett had surfaced at that point. Lazy fucker. Next time he says a word about being up early with Scarlett I’ll remind him of the time I got up with a hangover to deal with her, when he was very incapable of doing so!

Monday 17th (Easter Monday):

We got up today and I packed our stuff. Brett said he was going to the tattooist in Epsom to book in his ink. So we tagged along. We had some lunch then we came home. Chilled for a bit then we jumped on a train home. Think we got back at about 6ish. I bathed Scarlett and put her to bed.

Tuesday 18th:

Scarlett had Nursery and I had a lay in. Technically I didn’t. I still got up with her at 7ish but after I’d fed her, dressed her and shipped her off to Nursery, I climbed back in bed lol my nan picked her up at 12:30 like normal. I went round to pick her up a bit later. I had a doctors appointment at 3:50pm. We ended up having dinner with my nan then we came home. She went to bed at 7:30 like normal but at midnight, just as I was settling for bed, she woke up and was up for the next 2 hours. I think I didn’t get to sleep until 3am.

Wednesday 19th:

Woke up to a lovely swollen hayfever eye. Not surprising I was tired though, after being up till 3am. Sent her off to Nursery as I had stuff to do. Had to tidy my room and hoover the upstairs. Plus do some washing. Clean the dishes. Just random crap really.

Today (20th):

Today I was due to meet my bestie in London for a playdate but she couldn’t make it due to a fire at Euston station and some other incident going on. Shame but it what it is! So me and Scarlett stayed home all morning so she could nap after playing with me. After she woke up we grabbed our coats and walked to my nan’s house. We had lunch and played a bit then she had a short nap. We stayed for dinner then we walked home.

I put her to bed at 7:30. She was tired but spent about 20 minutes rolling around her cot talking to herself. I love listening to her.

I watched Emmerdale then I packed Scarlett’s stuff for her overnight stay at my nan’s tomorrow. Brett’s birthday is tomorrow. He is going to be 25. I’m taking him away for the night. It’ll be good fun. My nan is babysitting :)

Just watching Chicago Justice catch up and waiting for Brett to arrive.


Reading again

Friday 17th:

Happy St. Patrick’s Day. We don’t celebrate it because we aren’t Irish lol Scarlett is inadvertently wearing green today though! We were going to Brett’s so after work my mom dropped us at the train station. Our left at 6pm. Scarlett fell asleep soon after and woke up the other end when Brett’s mom put her in the car for the ride to their house. She was still up when he got in from work. I bathed her and then at 9:30 she went to bed. We kind of had a row. Over something totally silly.

Saturday 18th:

I thought we were okay but it became clear, once he actually got his ass up, that it wasn’t “okay” and I almost went home. We did make up. His mom babysat so we could go for a meal, and the cinema, as previously planned. We watched Kong: Skull Island. We had a nice evening followed by some good clean fun (quiet-ish, we have to share his room with Scarlett whereas at home she has her own room). She did a poo in the bath when his mom bathed her haha kids!

Sunday 19th [today]:

I just felt like crap but nonetheless I was going to get up with her but when she woke Brett got up instead and I had a lovely lay-in. He put her down for a nap at 11ish and climbed in the bed with me. I was awake at this point, checking my phone and we spent 2 hours chatting and stuff. Quietly, but it was nice just cuddling up and relaxing.

Scarlett woke up at 1:30. I gave her a bottle, as she hadn’t had her lunch time bottle and then at 3pm dinner was ready (Sunday lunch). Brett had fell asleep so we left him and Scarlett sat up the table with us on her new portable seat. She loved it.


We got on the tram at 5:15 and got off at Wimbledon. She was fast asleep at this point so it was a chilled 25 minute wait till the train came to take us homewards. She woke up as I got off the train which was handy as she would’ve woke up when she was put in the car seat anyway. We got home and she was excited to see her Nanny. Managed to get her to bed at 8:30-9ish. I had a shower and washed my hair. Now I am in bed. Work tomorrow. I hate Monday’s. I can never get my butt up on a Monday!

Been reading again, finally. I am currently reading a book called Julia gets a life. It is quite good and I haven’t been able to put it down.


Steak & BJ Day

Thursday 9th:

Finally booked an appointment to see the doctor. I had tried to make appointment over this particular issue months ago and the receptionist kept making me a telephone appointment but the doctor I spoke to said they cannot discuss that kind of thing over the phone lol

Friday 10th:

Scarlett has learned how to stack things, like her megablocks. The nursery posted a video on their Tapestry app for me to see. She is so clever. My little bobblehead!

Saturday 11th:

We went to my nan’s for lunch and ended up staying all day. Mom ran me to the shops when Scarlett was napping so I could grab some bits I needed for work. We had dinner with my grandparents. We went up the chip shop. Scarlett had fish and chips. She loves fish! She is gross lol I hate fish. We went home and she went to bed at about 9ish.

Brett went out for a meal with his family as it was his cousin’s 18th. After they finished eating and had a drink he got on the train. It ended up delayed and he didn’t arrive at my front door until 1:30am. We didn’t get in to bed until 3am. Well I got into bed at 3am. He came up at 4am, he woke me up climbing into bed lol

Sunday 12th:

After only a few hours sleep Scarlett got up. She had a bottle, played thne had breakfast. I brought her up to say hi to her “dad dad” and she was super excited. Put her down for a nap and crawled into bed. She slept for 2 hours and then we all got up for the day. We had dinner at my nan’s and then Scarlett had a nap. We just chilled out then when she was awake we walked home.

She went to bed and we both had a shower then chilled with a film. Scarlett woke up when we were just headed to bed so he went and sorted her out. She was hungry so I made her a bottle and he fed her.

Monday 13th:

Woke up for work. Scarlett was awake so I woke Brett up and dumped her on his lap so I could get ready for work. He had her all day and they had a really good day until she almost swallowed a 5p and that scared him, obviously. Then he didn’t shut the stair gate properly and had to rush downstairs mid-poo before she hurt herself. So he was a tad stressed when I got back from donating blood. I left work at 4pm for my donation session appointment at 4:30. I was done and dusted by 5:30 so we got home at 6pm. I cooked us dinner. We had pizza with cheesy garlic flatbread. We dropped him to train station then went to my nan’s for a cuppa tea. Scarlett went to bed at 9, again lol

Tuesday 14th (today):

So today is officially “Men’s Valentine’s Day”. Brett was not here so he couldn’t reap the benefits. Although he would’ve probably not liked me cooking steak as I am a rubbish cook lol

I left work at 4pm for my 4:30pm doctor’s appointment. I arrived at 4:15pm and used the machine to check in then I sat down. By 5pm I had lost the will to live so I went to reception and asked if my doctor was running behind. After sharing my details the receptionist informed me that my appointment had been cancelled. Apparently I had been left a voicemail last week, which I had not returned. Which basically was her way of insinuating this was my fault. I knew the surgery had not left me a voicemail regarding a cancellation but nonetheless I asked when the voicemail was supposedly left. She said it was March 7th. Absolutely bullshit. I didn’t make the appointment until March 9th so it is impossible to receive a cancellation over something that wasn’t even booked yet. I explained all this and the attitude I got was ridiculous so I just re-scheduled the appointment for next week and left otherwise I would’ve ended up being rude.

Scarlett didn’t want to go to bed at 7pm so I let her sit with me whilst I watched Emmerdale then she played for a bit and eventually she was ready to sleep at 8:30. Naughty little minx!

I am just catching up on some tele. Mom is out. She will be back later.


Baby’s first thanksgiving

We don’t actually celebrate thanksgiving lol but it seemed an appropriate post title seeing as I have American pals who do.

Well SD text me Tuesday saying he couldn’t make tonight (Thursday), could we do Sunday instead and meet in town? I text back “No we are busy Sunday. We can’t make it”. He text back “fair enough”. Fickle. I knew he would be.

Wednesday it was just mom and I for dinner so we grabbed a chicken shish kebab and watched a bunch of TiVo catch up shows.

I’ve been reading again. Finally. I’m reading a kindle book called “Mummy said the F-word”. It’s hilarious.

Today was long. I’ve had a headache on and off for a week. It’s menstural related as I had my lady thing start on Friday. A week early. Awesome. Brett and I actually spent a whole weekend together where we didn’t get down and dirty. Not that I didn’t miss it because I did. Obvs. It was just nice to do other things like we watched a film the whole way through. We sat in the bath for like an hour chatting. It was good fun. It was much needed because parenting and dating are hard enough separately. But when thrown together, it’s crazy.

Scarlett went to bed at 7pm. I had my dinner and watched some tele whilst I wrapped some Christmas presents. Mom had bought Scarlett stuff and asked me to wrap it. So I did. I love wrapping!

Had a shower after and am now in bed reading my book. It’s Friday tomorrow yay!

It’s my cousins birthday today. She’s 3. She’s having a party tomorrow so we are going to swing by when I finish work.


So drunk

Friday I had so much to do so we got picked up to go to Costco for party food supplies. That was £88. Next we went to Morrison’s for the weekly food shopping plus I needed baby milk and nappies.

Scarlett tried to nap but every time she nodded off we’d either have to put her back in the car or take her out. She was not amused.

Brett turned up at 11pm. My Nan picked him up from the train station. He woke Scarlett up for a cuddle which I had told him not to do but he did anyway. She was inconsolable (which is fair enough) and he didn’t like it when he couldn’t settle her. Well duh! You woke her up you prick lol so I settled her down then I opened the presents he got me. He got me a bottle of perfume (smells lush) and some pretty pyjamas. Plus a cute card, Obvs. His mom had given me a card with £20 in so I told him to say thanks to her. Which I learned today he forgot to do so I ended up looking like a rude cunt. Thanks!

Saturday we got up, had breakfast then I left Scarlett with Brett so mom and I could sort out the balloons in town plus pick up the gateau’s for the party. Once we were done we grabbed the decorations, picked up Brett and Scarlett then headed to the hall. We stuck her in her walker so we could decorate and know she was safe so we wouldn’t need constant eye on her. So we decorated then my Nan, uncle Ernie and aunty Debbie turned up with the food. So we helped them bring it all in the hall then we left.

I decided I needed to get some flowers to thank my nan and Debbie for doing all the food for me so we went to Morrison’s for a late late lunch then we grabbed the flowers.

Scarlett wouldn’t nap like I had hoped she would, at 5pm. So sorted myself out for the party then dressed her. I finished my hair and makeup whilst mom put her in the car then we were off.

I arrived late, to my own party. Luckily only 2 people were there before us. People starting arriving and drinks soon flowed. Scarlett was passed around like a hot potato but I didn’t mind. I knew she was due for a feed at 8ish so I knew they needed to get their cuddles in whilst they could. People kept buying me drinks. The same drink. I didn’t mix. Until after I’d fed Scarlett and she’s gone to sleep in the pram. Then my cousin bought me a shot of Sambuca. I can’t drink that stuff. Last time I had some I puked my entire stomach contents, and then some. But anyway, I had some shots of that and I also did some jaeger bombs and before I knew it I was waking up in bed in the morning. I vaguely remember up to about an hour and a half after Scarlett was asleep but from then on its a blur. I know I danced. A lot. And I remember being sick on the table but beyond that, nada!

I’m embarrassed if I’m honest. When I had my party for my 21st I didn’t get anywhere near this drunk. I can remember the whole evening and legit didn’t make a fool out of myself. I’ve no idea why I decided to drink so much this time. I don’t remember half the night, Brett and I had sex but I don’t remember it. I only know we did because I knew I’d had sex (I mean, what woman wouldn’t know) and I asked him. He says he barely remembers it either. But the condom wrapper gave it away lol I’m not mad, I know I would’ve wanted it at the time. It’s just weird to not remember it. He says from the snippet he remembers, it didn’t last long. I’m not surprised given how much he drank. I’m shocked he could even get it up!

Today I don’t feel that bad. My head doesn’t hurt and I haven’t been sick. He says I was only sick at the party. I wasn’t sick again when we got home. He says he was worried I would be and that I’d choke on it so he stayed up 3 hours listening to me but he said I wouldn’t sleep when he was in the room so he left me alone to sleep but sat on the top of my stairs listening. We may not go on dates and have this 13lb baby that takes up all our time but that is love, watching out for me. Although it could’ve been guilt because he bought me a lot of the drinks and shots lol

He’s gone home and I’m settled in bed for an early night.


6 months or 26 weeks


I got up with Scarlett in the morning. I fed her and got her back asleep. When she woke up after that morning nap mom took over so I could catch up some sleep. I think I got about 90 minutes. My jaw ached so I was keeping the meds topped up. It was my moms friend’s birthday (who I get on with) so we popped in to her work to give her presents and cards. Obviously we took Scarlett with us.

We got home and decided to go to the pub for a few hours. I managed to eat some cheesy garlic bread. It took me 30 minutes though lol you don’t realise how taxing chewing is on your jaw.

After the pub we went home for dinner. I had steak pie and chips. It was fairly manageable. I know my limits with what I can and can’t eat.

I finally watched Transporter: Refuelled. I had tried to watch it at the cinema last year when it came out but I never ended up watching it. It’s not a bad film.


We had Sunday dinner at my nan’s house. Like normal. Tried to get Scarlett to nap before dinner as she was tired but she only managed half hour. My aunt showed up with her kids for dinner, after we’d eaten. She didn’t stay long. She ate dinner then pudding then left.

I finally decided what I want for my birthday. I want a Fitbit. The Fitbit blaze seems the best choice for me. It’s about £160 so I may just ask for money gifts and then buy it myself with the money.


Today my gorgeous little princess is 6 months old but also 26 weeks. This makes her EXACTLY half a year. Half a year she’s been here. How!?!?! It’s mad. She is sitting up better but still not a pro. She tries to crawl. She grabs everything. Has an obsession with necklaces. She looks like she’s teething some days because of the drooling and biting her finger but no teeth yet. She’s still in 3-6m clothes (some are still big) and still in size 3 nappies. She shouts a lot and if you ignore her she has perfected her fake cough lol

We didn’t do a lot today. I had errands to do but we just didn’t do them. The only thing we achieved was visiting a nursery locally. It seemed nice and the price wasn’t too mad either. I have one other to visit then I’ll make a decision.

Brett got the train down at 7:30ish and was at mine by 9pm. Mom picked him up and I made her take Scarlett with her as she was awake and I knew she’d want to see him. She went mad when she saw him. It took me a while to get her to drink her bedtime bottle and go to sleep lol she gets so excited around him. She loves him!

Not sure when he’s going home. Wednesday evening I think. I’m just glad he’s here. I’ve missed him. More than he’ll ever know. He’s my man crush every day.

It is 3am. I should sleep. My jaw hurts but that seems to be a constant now even with the combo of pills so I’m getting use to it lol