My heart breaks for Manchester

Friday 19th:

We got to Brett’s at 6:45. Surprisingly Scarlett hadn’t napped on the journey. She was very tired but she perked up when we arrived. We had dinner and then she had a bath then went to bed. Brett was grumpy because he is trying to quit smoking and the withdrawal is obviously too much for him.

Saturday 20th:

Brett got up with us quite early (though I suspect it was under sufferance on his part). We had breakfast then I dressed Scarlett and we went out. We went to visit Brett’s cousins. When we got back home we had some lunch then Scarlett had a nap. We decided to go to the cinema later so we had our dinner and Brett sorted out Scarlett for her bath before we left. We watched “Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2”. It was brilliant. I am glad we went. Scarlett was very well behaved for his mom and went to bed at about 9ish. We got back at 10:45 and there was a film on tele. I was shattered [off energy drinks still] so I climbed into bed. I must’ve nodded off as Brett woke me up climbing into bed at 1:30am.

Sunday 21st:

Scarlett woke up at 5:30am. I gave her a bottle and put her back down for a nap. Once she was up again at 8 I got her some toast with fruit for breakfast. She ate it all then I dressed her. Once she was dressed I tackled the task of getting Brett up at a reasonable time. We went out at 10:30. We walked to his foster brother’s football tournament about 20 minutes down the road. I hadn’t prepared for sunny weather because, England. So Scarlett had no sun hat or shorts etc. I kept her in the shade but I got massively sunburnt. That’ll teach me lol we had pizza when the tournament was done then we got the train home. We were home by about 7ish. Scarlett had bath, bottle and bed. I chilled and caught up with tele.

Monday 22nd:

Back to work today. Was 8 minutes late because just as we were leaving at 7:30, Scarlett did an explosive poo through her tights and vest so I had to sort her out, undress, clean and then re-dress her in new clothes. Nightmare. So we were late leaving for work. I met Mom for lunch so we could do some food shopping. We had chicken for lunch. She dropped me back for 2pm. She picked me up at 5:10pm [made up my late 8 minutes]. Scarlett was bathed when we got in. I had my dinner and she stole one of my chicken fillets, little moo. I put her up to bed at 6:45 as she was getting grumpy but she wouldn’t go down. Her room was saying it was 26 degrees. Too hot. So I put her fan on and the room cooled. She was asleep by about 8ish. Mom and I watched tele together. We tried to share a bottle of rosé but I hate wine so I only drank half my glass [shocking I know]. I went to bed about 11ish.

Tuesday 23rd:

I woke up this morning to messages from American pals asking me if I was okay? Apparently some vile scumbags decided to bomb Manchester Arena last night after Ariana Grande’s concert. My pals were concerned as they have no clue how close or far I live to Manchester, and they’d seen the news reports [being hours behind the UK]. I assured them I was fine, so was Scarlett. Then I switched BBC on and looked at the news reports over what happened. My heart hurts for my country. For all the innocent people. For the teenagers/children who went to the concert not expecting anything more than just a fun night. The reports say that there are 22 confirmed dead and almost 60 people injured. I am in disbelief but at the same time it is almost “oh there has been a bombing incident, again”. It is scary that these events do not shock or surprise me anymore. Either I am numb to some of the BS in the world or I am just desensitised. However on the other hand I feel like bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. I have a child. This is her world. This is where she will grow up [if she is lucky]. How do I protect her from these things when they happen randomly? Like who knew that attending that concert may be the last thing they do? No one! I have a friend who lives nearby-ish. I am thankful she has a toddler same as me, was home and away from it. I can’t imagine what people must be going through today, those who have lost someone, those who’s friends/family are injured and those few who have missing people. My heart goes to them.

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I am on lunch and I am trying to block it all out by binging on Netflix with my headphones on.

TTFN x

5 months in

So we didn’t end up going to Godstone farm on Saturday :(

Saturday 29th:

I woke up in the early hours after tossing and turning all night. I felt sick. Scarlett had woken up because she had a dirty nappy. My stomach was already turning and the smell didn’t help. By the grace of god I managed to change her without hurling but I knew I was seconds from doing so, so I slammed the stair gate shut and pegged it into the toilet. I tried to shut Scarlett out but she was right behind me, hanging off my legs. I was sick. I cleared up and turned round. She was giving me the most judgmental look. I was like “it isn’t self inflicted this time”. I went into the bathroom to wash up, brush my teeth etc and I was sick again. This time there was blood. I won’t lie, it did freak me out a bit and it brought back memories of what I was newly pregnant. I ended up in hospital for 3 days because I coughed up blood. My throat was sore from being sick so quickly so I assumed I had damaged my throat – hence the blood. I woke my mom up so she could take over with Scarlett. She sorted her a bottle then put her back down for a nap. I went back to bed.

I woke up about 10ish and I felt better, surprisingly. I avoided having any food. I just had some water. My mom said she planned to take Scarlett out as planned but not to Godstone Farm. She said she was going to take her to a nearer one so we got ready and went to the Trilakes nearby. Apart from being exhausted and not feeling able to walk too much without sitting down, we had a good afternoon. Scarlett loved looking at everything and we even managed to convince her to feed the goats.


We went to my nan’s after for a cuppa tea and then we went home. Scarlett had dinner, bath and went to bed. I had my dinner and then after I watched Riverdale on my iPad I went to bed. Must’ve fell asleep by about 9pm [fitbit says so].

Sunday 30th:

We were going out so we got up and had breakfast. Scarlett was cleaned up [messy breakfast] then I dressed her. We got in the car and off we went. It took us 90 minutes to get to East Grinstead. Not too bad. We were going to this bus thing. My mom’s boyfriend loves old buses and stuff, and they do these “shows”, where you can get on one [free of charge] and ride it there and back. Scarlett did really well with them but as mom had told me not to bring the stroller, she was tired after she had her lunch in the cafe. Usually I would walk her round for a bit whilst she slept and I couldn’t. Next time I will do that. She did really well though. We went on a total of 5 buses [I think].


We went to the Wetherspoons for dinner. I had a hotdog and chips, with cheesy garlic bread. Scarlett shared my dinner, plus she had her fruit. She was SHATTERED! I changed her nappy before we got back in the car to head home. She was flat out snoring 10 minutes after we set off. She slept for over an hour. It was a danger nap [past 5pm] but it is a weekend, I don’t mind. I don’t see her much in the week because of working, and her going to bed at 7pm.

Monday 1st May:

So it is May. Where has the last 5 months gone? I feel like I have blanked and boom, almost half way through the year. I would say time flies when you’re having fun but I haven’t been in the best place recently to agree.

Scarlett got up at a normal time. She had a bottle, then played for a bit. Then she had some breakfast. I put her down for a nap shortly after and whilst she napped I watched some NCIS. When she got up we put our shoes on and headed out. We were going for dinner with my grandparents and it was 11:15 when she woke so I figured we might as well go round early, and she can play. So we did.

We went for dinner at 1ish. We went to the Harvester. Scarlett did really well considering she usually has her lunch at 12-12:30. She had cucumber, sweetcorn and bacon bits from the salad bar. Then she had cheesy garlic bread [deffo my kid] which was mine that I shared. She had char-grilled chicken strips with chips and peas for her main. She ate all the peas, some chicken and a few chips. She did so well. For someone so small she eats so well. After the harvester we nipped into Morrison’s and she wandered with my nan whilst I grabbed some bits. I got her some summery bits for our holidays. It will be hot in Italy, in the height of August, and it MAY be warm in July – we will have to see.

I am back to work tomorrow. I hate that Saturday felt like a write-off because I wasn’t well. We are off Friday because we are going to the Harry Potter studio tour in London. I went in 2014 and it was fab. They have changed a lot and added a lot to it so I am excited for that.

TTFN x

Anxiety creeping

Brett turned up at 10:30ish. So not too late on Thursday. We tried to get an early night but we like to chill and catch up. He woke Scarlett up when he got there so he had to put her back to bed and she wasn’t amused so I ended up giving her a small bottle, as well as teething gel after he had changed her nappy. Once she was asleep we got into bed.

Friday 21st:

Brett turned 25!!!! I got up with Scarlett for nursery. Dressed her then woke Brett up so he could say goodbye as we weren’t going to see her till Saturday once she left. They had cuddles then my Nan picked her up. I climbed back in to bed for a bit. We got up later than we should’ve and he wanted to shower and shit before we left so that took longer. We ended up leaving at 2ish. Train was due at 2:45. Didn’t leave until gone 3pm. We made a “friend” on the platform. An older lady was sat next to us on the bench and she started talking to us. Harmless enough. However it became very clear she was drunk. She was 63 (she said), still very sexually active (she also said) and had a boyfriend in Southampton (where she was headed apparently). We hopped on the train and settled in the “quiet carriage” and she had gotten on a different carriage. 3 minutes later she wanders past with all her stuff and plonks down next to us (well next to me). Fun times. She dropped all her stuff (in that drunk clumsy way people do). So we scrambled around helping her pick it up. She asked our names as she was texting someone about her trip (and meeting us two) and 3 times Brett told her what his name was and 3 times she called him Brian! It was a very painful experience. Thankfully she departed the train at Winchester (after asking us 5 times where she was going?) and we had a quiet remainder to our journey.

We finally got to Portsmouth at 4:25pm. We headed to our hotel for check in. Checked in. Threw our stuff on the bed and went straight back out for dinner. By the time we arrived at Gunwharf Quays it was almost 5. We walked along the food promenade and settled on Pizza Express. Whilst we ate I booked our cinema tickets for 7:15. We finished eating and went for a drink as we had plenty of time. We watched Fast & Furious 8. It’s not my kind of film as such but I have seen most of them so I did enjoy it. After we left the cinema it was about 10ish so we got a train back to the hotel. We wanted some nibbles so we hunted for a convenience store. No success. Brett ended up asking a local and he directed us to the nearest Tesco lol

We didn’t get to sleep until 2am (maybe later). We got caught up in the typical dirty weekend things – food, trashy TV and sex (Obvs). Overall we’d had a good day and night. Brett said his birthday had been great day!!!

Saturday 22nd:

We got up at 9:30 and went down to the restaurant for breakfast. We came back up for showers and packing then at midday we checked out and headed back to Gunwharf. Brett had birthday money to spend and I just wanted to wander. Also we had to do the Spinnaker Tower as Brett had never done it. So we did that first then we had lunch in the cafe below it.


We headed to the shops. Brett had his eyes on some Ralph Lauren so that’s where we headed. I got Scarlett some adorable floral shoes for our trip to Italy in August. We paid for our stuff and then he went to a different store for his dad’s birthday present and then we headed back to the train station to head home.

We got off the train at 4:30 and my nan picked us up. Scarlett acted super excited when she first saw us but then acted all indifferent when we tried to hug her haha sassy pants!

We had a cuppa tea then went home. Brett did bath time whilst we picked up dinner. We had a nice take away from the chippy. He and I then put Scarlett to bed and then watched the Conor McGregor DVD I bought him for his birthday. That was about 3/4 hours then we settled down for bed.

Today (Sunday 23rd):

St. George’s day today. Scarlett’s second one. She gave me a lay in. She woke up at 8 ish but I didn’t hear her till almost 8:30 as she was just talking to herself in her cot! I have her a bottle then we played. Then she had breakfast (and tipped some fruit all over the floor) then I dressed her. I woke Brett up at 10:30 and then at 11 I put Scarlett down for a nap. She slept for ages and I watched some catch-up NCIS. Obsessed with the show. No idea why! Once she was up, we got ready and went to my nan’s for Sunday dinner. Scarlett had her dress on for all over 5 minutes before tipping most of her dinner down herself, mostly gravy.



We had a good afternoon. She walked around the garden, a lot. Mom, her boyfriend, Brett and I nipped to the shops for some food shopping then we swung back to pick Scarlett up before heading home. Brett went home at 5 and I fed Scarlett some tea before taking her up for a bath. She was so tired. She just kept laying her head on my shoulder. At 6:30. She never goes to bed much before 7 usually. But nonetheless I did her bottle and put her to bed. She was out like a light.

I went up and had a shower at 9 and then just chilled etc. I watched some tele and came up to bed at midnight but it’s 1:30am and I’m still awake because it’s hit me that I don’t want to go to work tomorrow and I’ve been to the loo 4 times with stress related bowel issues. I hate that I cannot control my life. I’ve been actively looking for a new job for months and have had no luck. My friend has been looking for maybe a month or so and she managed to land one quickly and has handed her notice in already. I feel sick at the thought of going to work. My mental health is affected so much. To the point where I saw my doctor last week and got referred on to discuss my problems. Anxiety she reckons but I think it’s more than that.

I just had a row with my mom. We were just having a laugh and then I was talking about work and that I hate that I cannot just quit now and she was going on about “don’t forget that I cannot afford to have you here if you’re not working” and it just angered me because as if I don’t know this. She’s been giving me that same line since I was 18. I’m well-a-fucking-ware that she depends on my income. Which adds to my stress because not only do I have a child who relies on me but also my mother. So then she started to say “oh it’s my fault you’re stressed”. I cut her off and told her to leave my room. She carried on so I screeched at her to get out. I think she called me a cunt as she stormed out and slammed her bedroom door. Yeah I’m a cunt because I’m very clearly fucking struggling with life ATM and she knows this because I’ve told her this. She knows about my doctors appointments and stuff.

But whatever. I’m not apologising for telling her to leave my room.

Morning looms closer!

TTFN x

He still loves me

Well we didn’t break up. He says I am so childish to assume that because we’d had an argument that meant “the end”. But in my defence, he told me to fuck off and not speak to him, right. And in past convos he’s told me that if we ever had an argument he’s never going to be the one to talk first. So knowing that info, I thought if he was telling me to fuck me then he didn’t want to be with me. Yes I made an assumption, but only off the back of stuff he’s said before.

Anyways. I’m still his girlfriend. Which I’m glad about because as new as this all is, I am in love with that irritating motherfucker lol

Scarlett’s teething is getting worse. She spent most of Tuesday crying on and off. We visited family so they could finally meet her and she cried when they held her. Which she never would normally do. She’s normally a very happy baby who likes meeting new people and new faces. She screamed for an hour before bed and finally settled with me so I let her sleep in my bed for the first time in a while.

Mom and I took Scarlett out today (Wednesday). The weather was warm so we went to Alice Holt country park. We walked and then had some lunch. I took Scarlett around the play area (see below) and then we stopped at nan’s house for a cuppa on our way home.

She’s been in bed asleep since 9pm. No crying tonight which was good.

We are going to Brett’s for the weekend. For the first time. I won’t lie, I’m super nervous. I haven’t really done the “meet the parents” thing in a very long time. And now it’s different because they’ve not just got to like me, they’ve got to like Scarlett. We come as a package. And I’m so nervous that they won’t like me. I dunno where that comes from because I’ve never felt like that before. I’m usually much more blasé about that sort of shit. Brett keeps saying not to worry that it’ll be fine. I hope he’s right.

It’s 2am here and I’m knackered finally so I’m going to get some sleep.

TTFN x

Baby Shower

Well the day finally arrived for my baby shower. Mom and I got up early as we had stuff to do. We went for breakfast then we popped around the shops for some last minute bits. I needed to pick up a bunch of photos I’d had printed. I have a photo frame for Scarlett’s room that holds about 12 photos. I wanted to fill it with people who will hopefully be important to her. Including some of her scan photos. I also wanted 2 5×7″ photos printed for the party. One was her 32 week 4D scan and the other was my bump painting.
I had to get some flowers to say thank you to my Nan for hosting the party. For her sister-in-law for helping her and for my friend for making the cake.

We made our way to nan’s and I basically just sat around drinking tea and watching my Nan do stuff. We had 2 hours before the shower started and most stuff had been done so I literally had nothing to do. Which was fine. I chilled lol

People started showing up. We told them to grab some food and a drink which would give any late comers a chance to get there. By the time everyone had been there an hour we’d had lots of chats, introductions for those who didn’t know each other and lots of nibbles. We started the games. Baby bingo was first. My work friend won twice and I won the “house” but I forfeited my prize to some who also won “house” too.

Next we did measure the bump. Mom and Nan clearly think I’m the size of a house if their lengths of tape was anything to go by. My moms friend Kathy won that game as her length was the closest to my bump length lol

We did a nursery rhyme quiz. I was rubbish at that. I got like 5 points lol another friend from my work won that game, jointly, with my mom.

We all had some more nibbles then I finally opened all my gifts. There was so much lovely stuff. Most of it was Disney. There was a lovely Gruffalo top and leggings set that I think I’ll pack in her hospital bag. I felt really spoilt.  

People started leaving and by 5ish they’d all gone. We helped Nan tidy up although there wasn’t that much mess to sort. We loaded all the gifts in the car and we went home. We dropped the stuff off, got back in the car and went for some food. We had booked cinema, mom and I, so at 7:30 we drove to the cinema. We watched Christmas with the Coopers. It was a pretty decent film.

Today we popped to Argos to pick up 2 items I had reserved last night. I used my Argos gift card, that I received yesterday, to pay for the stuff. I got a pink 4 drawer storage set and a baby memories box. After Argos we went to nan’s for Sunday roast. She did beef this week and it was delicious. My grandad’s brother was there for dinner which was a nice surprise. His granddaughter, who got married 2 years ago, is pregnant too. She’s due a fortnight ahead of me. He said she has no idea what she’s having as the baby wouldn’t cooperate at her 20 week scan lol these January babies are nightmares!

I did some more wrapping for my Nan. On Friday I wrapped 5 of the grandkids presents. Today I wrapped 5 again. There’s so much stuff but I guess having 16 grandchildren means there is lots lol

We are off home to chill. I may have a bath when I get in.

I’ve had a great weekend. I look forward to seeing my dad when he’s back from Australia this week. May not see him till they following week but either way I can’t wait. I haven’t been to see him since the end of August.

I am 33 weeks today. I have 7 left to go, give or take. I can’t wait to meet her. I have 49 days left!!!

TTFN x

First Off-Site Meeting

On Wednesday I had a meeting at work and it was to discuss a huge project that’s going on, that I will be a huge part of and we agreed to have a meeting at our office in Whiteley, Fareham yesterday (Friday). So my colleague and myself got the train there for 9 and spent the day talking to people about various things. We got the train home at 3ish and I got in at 5.

Yesterday my Fave Guy (formerly FG, now he’s just “a dick”) came round to say Hi and have a catchup. Started telling me about these girls he’s been shagging which annoyed me because I hadn’t known he had been sleeping around. I mean, months back I told him to get out and have some fun but he told me outright it wasn’t really what he wanted so I had assumed from that that he hadn’t. I guess he changed his mind. Seeing as he’s obviously got other options for sex then there’s no need for us to carry on with whatever we had been doing. I’m not even that sure I want to be his friend because he said other stuff yesterday that pissed me off too. So I think I’ll refrain from messaging him and I won’t mention meeting up for “fun” again. Fuck him!

London guy and I had fallen out after he messed things us between us and 9 days ago I told him to fuck off and stop messaging me. I deleted his number and that was it. I didn’t hear from him and I didn’t expect to. Then on Wednesday, exactly a week after we spoke last, he messaged me saying he’d missed talking to me. I doubt that, he just hoped I’d change my mind about staying in contact. I haven’t but I’ll talk to him IF he messages first. He wants to meet up but I told him, if we do that, it’ll be JUST AS FRIENDS so it’s entirely his  choice. I’m sure he’ll turn around at the last minute and say No. Which is cool. I can’t say I care either way. He hurt me. Even if he didn’t mean to, he did so I don’t care what he wants. I’m looking after myself and what’s best for me.

Speaking of “best for me”. I have decided that re-learning to drive would be in my best interests. I am sick of being stuck on a bus journey with the scum of the earth. Today I ended up a seat away from a guy who was very clearly an alcoholic, covered in half bleeding scabs, swigging from a can of beer (pretty sure you cannot drink alcohol in public places around here!) and shouting/slurring down his phone on a call to 999 because (I can only presume) his girlfriend/wife has phoned him up saying she’s taken an overdose. He got irate with the caller as it sounded like they’d said they cannot send an ambulance for a situation that hasn’t been confirmed. I.e. Just because she’s phoned him to say she’s done it, he’s not actually there to confirm it and therefore they cannot afford to waste resources by sending an ambulance out. I think the 999 helpdesk person could tell the guy was off his head too. I felt so uncomfortable sat there next to this “great” specimen of a human being! I couldn’t move thou as the bus was packed. So I decided that I will learn to drive before the end of the year. I hated driving when I started learning almost 7 years ago but I’m nearly 24 so I guess I should just get it over with.

I was on the bus because I had gone to the cinema today. Before I went I stopped at the library in town to drop off my outstanding rentals and I grabbed a new one. Then I got a bus to the cinema. I watched The Divergent Series: Insurgent. It was amazing. There’s lots of other movies I wish to see too so I’m looking forward to getting some good use out of my cineworld card lol

My brother and his girlfriend are away for the night and my mom’s gone out for dinner so I’m just sat in bed watching tv. I just caught up with Fortitude and next I’m going to see what else I’m behind with, after I make a snack.

It’s been 13 years since my uncle Jay died. We miss him everyday. I know my aunt just looks at one of her boys and she sees his grin on their faces. 

TTFN x

“You’re a wizard, Reggie”

Well Reggie and I went to the Harry Potter studio tour in London today. We got on the train at 10am and arrived in Watford at 11:20. We had ages till our tour time slot so we popped to the shops for some lunch. We both needed a wee and there’s no bathrooms in the station, this side of the barriers, so we went down the road and found a pub. By then it was about 12:15 so I said to Reggie that we’d hop on the 12:30 tour bus to the studio tour. Which we did. The bus was a replica of the purple Knight Bus in the movies except this was only a bog-standard double decker. Of course Reg wanted to sit on the top deck so we could see everything.

When we arrived at the studio we printed off our tickets and went inside. As it is Christmas there was a 20 foot Christmas tree when you first walk in. We went to the kiosk that hands you your Audio Tour. We never actually used them. We both had the headphones and iPod hung around our necks the entire day lol

We got in the queue to go in to the actual tour. We could see the gift shop, which is always on the way out, from where we stood. I wish I had more money because I could’ve bought so much more than what I did…

We walked around the tour in 2 hours. We took lots of photos, of both the stuff we saw and ourselves standing in front of things. We walked through the Great Hall which was amazing. We stood on the bottom deck of the Knight Bus. We both agreed we didn’t want to try “Butterbeer”. Everyone I spoke to beforehand, who had already visited, said it had a horrible taste and usually got tipped down the drain so we didn’t bother.

We went round the last leg of the tour and ended up in the Broomstick area. Basically you sit in a green room and follow the screen which tells you when to lean, which side to lean and when to wave. On the screen you are flying a broomstick when in reality you are sitting on a broomstick that is bolted to a box, which doesn’t actually move lol we both had a go and pictures are taken after. I told Reg we would get 1 photo each. We also had a photo done of us sat in the “Flying Ford Anglia” so we got 3 photos in total. One of Reggie on a broomstick, one of myself on a broomstick and one of both of us in the Flying Car.

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We managed the tour in about 2 hours and 40 minutes. We went through the gift store and it was hectic. Reggie picked out a light-up wand and I chose a Gryffindor Prefect badge. We paid and extracted ourselves from the store lol

We got back on the “Knight Bus” lookalike and then were back on the train home. It was dark by the time we arrived back where I live. We got a lift home and Reg said he wanted to watch a film and guess which he picked… Yep, that’s it, he chose Harry Potter. Number 8 to be precise. His mom came to pick him at half 7 and Frankie ended up being swapped in his place. I don’t mind, I love having the twins anyway. It was because Fred is sick, he’s got some shitty virus and she was hoping Frank wouldn’t catch it if he’s not at home. I bet he does though.

So Frank is here till Friday I think. I have an interview tomorrow and Friday but we’ll work it out between us what to do with little man whilst I am indisposed.

TTFN x