Not how I expected my weekend to go

Friday was a nightmare at work. My temp, who use to give me a lift, said she wasn’t coming back on Monday. One of the managers had upset her and she didn’t want to work in a place where people are rude to each other. She was furious in the afternoon. I half expected her to up and leave there and then. I think she would’ve if she’d had her car but her husband had borrowed it because his was in the garage.

We were due to go to Brett’s house. Normally I check the trains ahead of time but I left it until 3pm. When I looked it said there were delays my end of the tracks until 5-6pm and his end there was a lot of cancelled trains due to an issue at East Croydon. So I thought we could go at 7pm as the was a train at 7 that looked like it was the usual 1 connection, 1 hour 15 minutes route. But when I got in from work, I realised it would be far too cold, far too late and far too dark to be dragging my toddler on the train. So I told Brett that I’d decided not to come due to the reasons above. I anticipated he’d have the hump but what happened was beyond anything I expected. He was utterly vile to me. Basically insulted my parenting skills by trying to say that taking her to watch a 15 minutes fireworks display in a mild November is the same as a 90 minute December journey at 7pm at night on a Friday after being at Nursery all day. And said I must be such a good mom for taking her to see fireworks (in the dark and cold) but not taking her on a train. Also said I traumatised her by taking her to see Santa. Oh and brought up the one time recently when she was walking underneath me when I was carrying something. I didn’t see her, I turned and my knee knocked her over and she hit her head on the doorframe. Like it was an accident. They happen from time to time. I didn’t mean to hurt her and I felt awful when she was upset. I picked her up and gave her a cuddle. That’s what moms do. I frequently pick her up and cuddle her.

Anyway, he was just horrible to me and I realised that I just don’t need or want him in my life (or Scarlett’s) anymore. So I blocked him for some peace then later I messaged him to say I can’t be with him anymore. I don’t love him in the same way as I used to. I’m not coming for Christmas. And please don’t harass me to get me back or try emotional blackmail like you usually do. I then blocked him again. I was up till almost 3am chatting to my bestie. She had a lot of support and advice to give on leaving a shitty relationship.

Saturday he tried to call me at some point in the morning as I had a voicemail. I only listened to a few seconds before deleting it.

Scarlett got up at 9. She had her bottle and we read some of her new books. She asked for breakfast. I asked her what she wanted, cereal or toast? She said toast. I said tea too? She said yeah! She’s so funny. So she had tea, toast and banana. I waited to eat with my mom as she was going to cook breakfast. We ate at 10:30. Scarlett had some sausage then I put her up for a nap at 11:15. I went up and got in bed because I was so cold and I had a headache. I fell asleep and woke up at 1:30. Then Scarlett woke. I dressed her then I finished putting addresses on the presents I needed to send.

Mom drove me to the post office so I could mail everything. I mailed all my gifts except my Australian secret santa. It was going to cost me £88 to send a £30 gift lol so I decided to try a different postal service. We went into town so I could get a refund on the PS4 Pro I bought Brett for Christmas. So I’m now £300 richer. Which is great because I have Scarlett’s 2nd cake smash to pay for in January as well as her birthday party.

After Argos we went to my nan’s. She had a full house. Everyone was there. We stayed for a few cups of tea. Scarlett had lunch when we first got there. We left at 5. I ordered a Chinese whilst we were watching Madagascar. It took over an hour to come. Scarlett was proper hangry. We ate then I took her up for a bath. I ended up bathing with her. We got our and got dressed. I did her bottle then she said goodnight to everyone as my mom was going to work and so was my brother. I took her up at 9:15 for bed. She was flat out within 15 minutes.

I was watching Grimm on Netflix when the bloody door knocked. I knew who it was. No way was I answering. I have nothing to say to him. I thought I’d made myself pretty clear in my message the night before. I ignored the door. But he knocked twice more. The light in our kitchen was on so I knew he’d see me if I darted upstairs to look out the window. I stood in the doorway and he must’ve sense it because I heard him say something about “come on just answer the door”. I ran upstairs to tell my brother girlfriend not to open the door. Not that she would have. It’s late.

I came back down and he spoke to me through the letterbox. Said he wanted to talk so could I at least open the door. I said no. It won’t change anything. I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. He said he wants to try and he’s listening. I said why listen now. You’ve had almost 2 years. We’re not the same as we were. It’s finished. He got a bit angry and slammed the letterbox. I thought he was gone so sat down but he came back and called my name. So I said what? He said so this is it? You want me to go? I said Yes that’s what I’ve been saying. He said he was sorry it got to this point and sorry we couldn’t work it out. He said he hopes I have a good Christmas and I look after Scarlett then he slammed the letterbox and went. Me and my brother’s girlfriend sat in the front room for a while, expecting him to knock again. But he didn’t. We chatted a bit and then I carried on watching Grimm.

I’m in bed now. Going to have a lazy day tomorrow. I just want to relax and have a laugh with my baby girl. She’s all that matters to me.

TTFN x

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Fireworks night 2017

Thursday my Grandad picked me up at 12. We swung by and picked Scarlett up then headed to the dentist. Scarlett had her checkup first. She wouldn’t let them look. The dentist asked if I minded her sort of forcing the issue a little and poking her fingers in to feel. I said no but she may bite (she wouldn’t, she never bites). She felt her teeth very quickly. Next it was my turn. Scarlett laid on me whilst the dentist had a look at my teeth. She said my teeth were fine but my jaw is showing damage. I grind my teeth in my sleep. Which I already knew as I’d previously been fitted for a retainer. She asked if I used it. I explained I had actually lost it and hadn’t gotten around to getting a replacement. She redid the moulding of my teeth. Scarlett was glaring at the dentist like wtf you doing to my mama?

After the dentist we went to my nan’s house for lunch. I put Scarlett down for a nap. She slept for about an hour. We discovered later that my uncle Bunny was on the BBC news because a crane doing work on a house in his road had collapsed onto a house. Luckily no one was hurt. The driver was trapped sideways but managed to escape unhurt.

Friday I felt so tired at work that I did what I don’t usually tend to do. I bought an energy drink. It was partially a precursor to the fact that Brett was due to come down. And he never turns up much before 11pm and I knew I’d be falling asleep without it. But he ended up not coming because he was at work till 9pm. I laid in bed watching some shitty Netflix film. Think I went to sleep about 1am.

Saturday morning Scarlett woke me up at like 5:30. I weren’t down for getting up so early and she didn’t want to get up. She just woke up and cried. Bad dream I guess. I managed to get her to go back to sleep. She woke up at about half 6. She was singing to herself. She didn’t get up till 7:30 so that was ok. I hadn’t really gone back to sleep though so I was tired lol

She had her milk then some breakfast. I put her down for an hours nap before we headed out. I jumped in the shower and sorted myself out. Mom went to grab our breakfast then we had to go. Brett turned up at 10:30 just as I was getting Scarlett up. I dressed her then we left. I ate my breakfast in the car.

Scarlett had her milk and cookies Christmas photo shoot at 11. She did really well. She was loving having cookies basically for breakfast. I can’t wait to get her pictures back next week.

After the shoot we went home. I tried to put Scarlett down for another hour but she wasn’t keen. I made some lunch then we headed to my nan’s for a cuppa tea. After my nan’s we went to Morrison’s to get some shopping. I bought a few xmas presents for my friends kids.

We came home and I cooked dinner after we’d packed the shopping away. We had pizza and cheesy garlic bread. Brett had bought a mini cake for him and Scarlett to share. They had some after dinner. I took her up for a bath at 6:45 then she was ready for bed. I gave her a bottle then I put her to bed.

We left for the cinema at 7:30. My brother’s girlfriend was babysitting. I don’t leave Scarlett with anyone except my parents, Brett’s parents, my grandparents or her godmom. So this was a big deal for me. But I knew she’d be fine as she was in bed and she’s not a typical waker-upper lol

My mom, her boyfriend, me and Brett watched Thor: Ragnarok. It was pretty good. It was funny in places. We figured out a lot of the plot line as we went along. Brett and I could write these films lol

After the movie we drove to a kebab van as the others hadn’t eaten. Then we went home. I got into bed as I was cold and tired. Brett had a cigarette then followed. We didn’t go to bed that late unlike normal when we go to bed at like 2am.

Sunday I heard Scarlett talking to herself on the monitor at like 7ish. Maybe later. She wasn’t crying or shouting to get up so I left her for a while. Think we got up properly at 8. She had a bottle whilst we watched some teletubbies. I gave her breakfast at 10ish then put her down for a nap. She went to sleep at 11. We watched Child 44 together (me and Brett). She woke up about 25 minutes from the end. I dressed her and took her downstairs to play.

We put Shrek the Third on Netflix whilst dinner was cooking. We had a nice cooked roast chicken dinner.

Scarlett has learned 2 new words today. She learned WHY. Dear god not that one lol and also ELBOW. We said where’s your elbow and she said “on my arm” and pointed to her elbow. She’s so clever I could burst with pride.

I tried to put her down for a nap between dinner and fireworks. But she wasn’t game. So we ended up throwing her in the bath at 5:30 and getting her ready for bed. This consisted of a thermal all-in-one with a long sleeved vest underneath then she put on a coat and boots. Plus a hat. Then she was ready to go. We got to the football club at 6:35 and luckily found 4 seats together in the third stand along. Scarlett took turns in sitting on Brett’s lap, my lap or my mom’s. She was fine with the fireworks except when the “louder” ones were all grouped together. They were nosier when there was a few going at the same time. She got a little upset but nothing a little bit of reassurance wouldn’t fix. The show was only 15 minutes long and once it was done we left for Home.

I got her bottle ready and she went to bed at 8. So not an overly late night as she goes to bed at 7 usually. An hour won’t make much difference.

Brett and I stuck a film on at about 9:30 in bed. We watched The Back-Up Plan. He told me the character JLo played reminds him of me 100%. He’s a dick but he’s also correct.

We’re off to sleep now as it’s half 11 almost and I have work tomorrow. I’ve got a busy day as I have a few meetings.

TTFN x

Rail replacement buses

Friday wasn’t too bad at work. I got a lot done but I didn’t feel that productive. I just got by, mostly. Scarlett had a bath and went to bed like normal.

Saturday she got up at 7:45. I gave her a bottle and then we got dressed. We got picked up at 8:15 for Gravity Tots. Scarlett didn’t quite get the hang of jumping. She’s used to jumping off hard floors. It was too bouncy for her. She did enjoy herself. We ran around and played with balls and soft squares you can chuck. We managed half hour then we left to have a snack. She was freezing. They had the AC on and I’m assuming it’s so people don’t overheat as bouncing is exercise and people will get hot and sweaty. But she’s only little. Her lips went blue. I gave her a banana and some water then we got our shoes on.

We got picked up and we headed to McDonald’s for breakfast. Scarlett had pancakes and sausage. I had my usual breakfast wrap. She ate lots then went down for a nap. She slept for like 3 hours.

When she woke up we headed to Camberley. We had planned to go to Woking but it turned out there was rail works going on. No trains between Basingstoke and Weybridge which meant none from Farnborough, where I live. Oops! So we got the bus to Camberley. We did Primark first. It was hectic. Reminded me of why I hate shopping. We survived nonetheless. We went outside and there was a gymnastics display from a local dance school. They weren’t half bad. It reminded me of my dancing days. I was so flexible, and skinny lol

After Primark and the gymnastics show we headed for food. We settled on Pizza Express. Scarlett had her own little starter of Dough Balls with some cucumber and tomatoes on the side. She was dipping her balls in the garlic butter, copying me. Then she dipped her tomatoes. She doesn’t like them so she just licked the butter off lol

After pizza we got the bus to my nan’s. We had a cuppa and I showed my nan what I’d bought. Scarlett has learned to say “peace” but you can imagine what it sounds like. Nan then dropped us home. Scarlett and I jumped in the bath together. I stood up to wash my hair under the shower whilst she played in the draining bath water. She mostly just rubbed my foot with a flannel (helping me wash). I got out and then got her out. She was in bed by 8:30. So a later night than usual but it’s the weekend. I watched the finale of Stranger Things 2. I don’t know if there will be a season 3. I mean, there could be but I don’t know!

Sunday (today) she woke up at 7ish. Which would’ve been 8 had the clocks not gone back. So I can’t complain at all. She had a bottle then some breakfast. We watched some of Sharktail then she went for a nap. She woke up at 11am. I got her dressed then my mom’s friend (Scarlett’s godmother) picked us up and took us to Sainsbury’s so I could grab some stuff for work tomorrow. She dropped us at my nan’s when we were done as we were having dinner there.

We had roast beef. Scarlett ate a lot then we had ginger cake for pudding. She loved it. She had custard with hers. I don’t like custard. She tried to play with my cousin, who is almost 4 but she doesn’t seem to like Scarlett. She just ignored her when she tried to play with her. We stayed for a cuppa then we went home. We carried on watching Sharktail then I put the Bee Movie on. She fell off the sofa and kept rubbing her eyes so I took her up for a bath.

She’s been a bit of a nightmare this weekend. I feel like all I’ve done is tell her off, even shouted at her a few times. She just hasn’t listened to me all weekend. I was constantly telling her the same things to NOT do. And I don’t want our weekends to be like that given how little we see of each other in the week. And it made me feel a bit bad. Before bed she came and sat with me. She gave me a big cuddle and kisses. So I guess she doesn’t have any hard feelings about it. And her loving feelings towards me helped diminish some of my bad/guilty feelings. I love this wild crazy child of mine. She’s just pushing boundaries. It’s totally normal.

She went to bed at 7. I put some washing on and sorted myself some supper. I heard Stormzy was going to perform on X-factor so I turned it on. He appeared as the closing act. I legit sat through 2 hours of bullshit to see him lol was worth it. I love him!

I got into bed at 9. I’m just chatting on WhatsApp to my girls and playing my game.

Work tomorrow. Another week just signals another week closer to being the only database team member standing. I don’t think I can hack doing 3 people’s work. I need to find a new job. I’ve been looking for 11 months and no luck. It’s Christmas time now so everything online is temporary positions. Not ideal. So might have to give up and try again in the new year. Not where I thought I’d be at this point in the year.

TTFN x

Bank holiday weekend

Wednesday 24th:

Spent most of my day catching up with BBC news for more updates on the Manchester arena attack. More names were released over the victims who died. An 8 year old girl! What the actual fuck? She’s a child. Her life cut short. And to what end? What reason? I can’t even fathom what this world has come to! As a mother, this cut deep. 10 years from now, that could’ve been me and Scarlett at a concert. I cannot even begin to imagine what that poor little girls family are going through right now. All the families.

Thursday 25th:

2 years ago today I found out I was pregnant. I still remember it vividly to this day. I had been unwell with some kind of bug type thing and someone asked me if I was maybe pregnant? I laughed. Said of course not, I can’t get pregnant! Then I checked my period tracking app and realised I was in my “due on time frame”. I have very wonky periods. Some months I have a perfect 28 day cycle and other months I can wait 6-8 weeks for one. At this point I was on cycle day 34 so well within in my “I’m due on” frame. So I thought hmmm I’ll do a test. So I grabbed this cheap line one from my friend and did the deed. When I looked down I could not believe my eyes. Two lines. Albeit one line was faint. The positive line. But it was a line. I felt like I was on drugs. Everything was so surreal. I didn’t believe it. So I ended up taking another test the next day and the days after until I ended up making it “clearblue official” lol

Scarlett celebrates her 16 months today. She’s so cheeky and clever. She still only has 6 teeth but she’s definitely getting more. Hopefully soon.

Friday 26th:

Payday bitches lol spent £53 online at H&M on summer stuff for Scarlett. Got 20% off because I am a H&M member. Woohoo lol

Me and Amelia went for lunch at work together. We went to the harvester around the road. It was nice just us 2.

My mom worked the night so it was just me and Scarlett. The usual. I watched some tele, had a shower then read my book. I’m reading the latest Alex Cross book. I love it! I’ve read all 23 previous ones.

I came across a heart wrenching tribute on ITV before I went to bed. See below:

https://www.facebook.com/itvnews/videos/10154828722872672/
Saturday 27th:

Scarlett missed out on breakfast with me and mom as she wasn’t awake at 7:30 when mom got in from work with a McDonald’s breakfast. She woke up about 20 minutes after so she ended up just having a hash brown instead of a wrap. She wasn’t overly fussed tbh and she had a bottle, watched some teletubbies and then I put her up for a nap because she asked to go. She kept rubbing her eyes so I asked if she wanted a nap and she pointed at the stairs, got off my lap and walked to the stair gate. She didn’t settle in bed until about an hour after though. I listened to her talking to herself for ages. I watched NCIS from Friday and then I read more of my book. Scarlett settled and I must’ve fell asleep on the sofa because next time I know, the monitor is lit up and she’s crying. So I go up and sort her out. Get her dressed and off we go to my Nan’s house. As she hasn’t had lunch yet I defrosted her a shepherds pie but she wouldn’t eat it. She just wanted her bottle so I gave her some milk. Then she played. In and out the garden all day. She got her outfit soaking wet so I changed her into a new vest and a clean shirt so she could continue playing. We ended up staying for dinner then we came home.

She had a bath, watched 1 episode of teletubbies then up to bed she went with her bottle. She went straight to sleep as she had skipped her afternoon nap so she must’ve been shattered.

I’m watching 12 monkeys on Netflix and enjoying a quiet Saturday evening. Mom’s working tonight so again it’s just us 2.

TTFN x

Sunday blues

Friday 7th:

Brett came down tonight. He got to mine at midnight-ish. We were fine but he got the hump when I mentioned my plans to take Scarlett to Italy. He was really upset I had “considered” him. He said that if we are suppose to be a family then why wouldn’t I want him to go. I tried to explain to him that we aren’t the traditional type family. We don’t live together. We don’t even parent her equally. I do 85%, he does a small part when he IS here. So yeah he didn’t take it great. It wasn’t even that I didn’t want him to come. It was more “I just wanted to take her on a trip I had planned long before I had fell pregnant and had sacrificed it for her”.

Saturday 8th:

He still wasn’t happy when he got up and I thought he was going to go home. But we worked it out. We let Scarlett nap then we took her into town. He walked around with her. occasionally she would hold his hand. Cute! We had lunch then we went back home. She had dinner and then he did bath time and put her to bed then we watched a film. We watched Nerve.

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Sunday 9th:

We went to bed quite late Saturday as we watched another film in bed and then went to bed. Getting up was rough but I put Scarlett back down for a nap after bottle and breakfast so that was good. Again we went into town. We had lunch and then did some shopping before heading home. We put Scarlett down for an afternoon nap and watched the finale episode of 13 Reasons Why. That show has changed me. It was so intense and eye opening. I mean, I am fully aware of how bullying goes in school having been on the receiving end, in the same kind of ways that Hannah was. Which just reinforced the fact that it could have easily been me who did what she did. Scary thought! I just hope I can raise Scarlett to feel like she can always talk to me and Brett [no matter what], and if not us then another family member if she is having a hard time. I would not wish her to suffer in silence.

Brett went home at about 8ish. He did bath time before he went. She loves when he baths her. I put her down after he went and then mom and I watched Vera.

Work tomorrow but it is only a 4 day week as it is Easter, so Friday is Good Friday. I am off next week so I effectively have 10 days off. Yes!

TTFN x

Friday feeling

Monday 3rd:

We did Scarlett’s official “I can walk” sticker. She has done so well with it recently and her walking outside settled it for me. Mom and I had a girl night and we watched Broadchurch together as it was her only night off all week.

Tuesday 4th:

Scarlett was constipated. I hadn’t noticed as her nappies had been fine but the nursery said the day before that she was so my nan was sent out to get some pure OJ for her. Apparently she didn’t like it lol she kept pulling a funny face!

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Look at her cheeky face. She knows she isn’t meant to be climbing!

Wednesday 5th:

We had our monthly 1-to-1 meetings at work today. I decided to take Scarlett to Italy. I had always planned to go in 2015 but I decided to leave it as I found out I was pregnant and needed to be sensible with my money. But now Scarlett is a toddler and I am working, I can afford [just about] to take her away. So I have booked our flights there and back. I have reserved rooms in the hotels. The plan is to fly to Verona and stay there for 2 days then get a train to Venice. Stay in Venice for a night then fly down to Rome and stay in Rome for 3 days. We can get a train to Naples from Rome, for the day. I am really excited. I will get Scarlett a passport at the end of this month. I have already renewed mine, in 2015. How exciting! I have a list for each city of thing to do/see. Hopefully we will manage 3 thing at least but ideally I wanna do/see 5 things in each place.

Thursday 6th:

I got up earlier and cooked sausages for breakfast for me and mom. I accidentally defrosted too many sausages so we kept them for dinner. We ate our breakfast then she dropped me

Mom worked Tuesday, Wednesday night and tonight. So we had dinner then she left for work. I have been Netflixing this show called 13 reasons why. It is very impressive. It is about a young girl who kills herself during high school but leaves behind a series of tapes that each side is dedicated to one person who did or said something to her that led up to her committing suicide. Only the people on the tapes can listen, they have to follow a series of rules and there is this guy who is around watching them all. He keeps them in time. Each person who is on one of the tapes listens to all 13 tapes by themselves then they get passed on to another person. The series is narrated partially by the dead girl but also the person who currently has the tapes, Clay [he had a crush on her]. He doesn’t understand why he would be a candidate on the tapes and doesn’t really want to find out because he didn’t think he had ever hurt her in any way. It is really easy to relate to in regards to the BS of school days. Everyone had their clicks, even in our British schools we still have the same kind of set up as American High Schools. I cannot wait to find out more.

Friday 7th [today]:

Today is Friday. Yay! Brett and me have had a falling out. It is over something stupid but now it has escalated. I never know what it is he expects from me. He knows I don’t show my feelings the same way as he does, yet he still expects me to. Which is unfair. That isn’t me, and he is meant to love me for who I am, yet expects me to change myself? He is meant to be coming down tonight but I just don’t know how it is going to go. He seems so defeated about us. I guess I just don’t measure up to his expectations of a girlfriend?

Going on lunch soon. Think my little team is off down the pub so I will join as we don’t go out much as a team.

TTFN x

Red Nose Day 2017

Monday 20th:

My brother came home to visit. He had missed us, but mostly Scarlett. Obvs! We caught her walking about on camera. She was just wandering back and forth the lounge.

Tuesday 21st:

Today it has been 15 years since my uncle Jay died. People lie. Time doesn’t heal shit. You just learn to accept they are gone. 15 years on and it still hits us like a tonne of bricks.

I had my rescheduled Doctor’s appointment today. I didn’t get in to work until 9:45 so I have to make that time up the rest of the week #annoying

Wednesday 22nd:

My brother had said he was going back home to his Dad’s today but he decided not to. It annoyed me a little because I had expected him not to be there when I got in from work. I had looked forward to having the house to myself once my mom had gone to work but I didn’t. I couldn’t wander round naked or whatever lol I have loved having that freedom.

Thursday 23rd:

My brother went home today. Work was long. Can’t wait for the weekend. My grandad got a call from his doctor this evening saying one of his blood test levels was abnormal so he needed to go up A&E. They’ve kept him in.

Friday 24th [today]:

Today is Red Nose Day. Scarlett wore her RND top I got her from TK Maxx ages ago. I tried to find something red to wear but don’t actually have anything red lol my nan was on her own so I asked her what she was doing for dinner. She said she wasn’t alone as her brother was coming over, like he usually does on Friday nights. So that was ok. I finished my book, finally lol Scarlett has been in a bed a while. I am catching up with Iron Fist. I am loving this show. It crosses over with Daredevil, which I have already watched 2 seasons of. Waiting on season 3.

TTFN x