Bank holiday weekend

Wednesday 24th:

Spent most of my day catching up with BBC news for more updates on the Manchester arena attack. More names were released over the victims who died. An 8 year old girl! What the actual fuck? She’s a child. Her life cut short. And to what end? What reason? I can’t even fathom what this world has come to! As a mother, this cut deep. 10 years from now, that could’ve been me and Scarlett at a concert. I cannot even begin to imagine what that poor little girls family are going through right now. All the families.

Thursday 25th:

2 years ago today I found out I was pregnant. I still remember it vividly to this day. I had been unwell with some kind of bug type thing and someone asked me if I was maybe pregnant? I laughed. Said of course not, I can’t get pregnant! Then I checked my period tracking app and realised I was in my “due on time frame”. I have very wonky periods. Some months I have a perfect 28 day cycle and other months I can wait 6-8 weeks for one. At this point I was on cycle day 34 so well within in my “I’m due on” frame. So I thought hmmm I’ll do a test. So I grabbed this cheap line one from my friend and did the deed. When I looked down I could not believe my eyes. Two lines. Albeit one line was faint. The positive line. But it was a line. I felt like I was on drugs. Everything was so surreal. I didn’t believe it. So I ended up taking another test the next day and the days after until I ended up making it “clearblue official” lol

Scarlett celebrates her 16 months today. She’s so cheeky and clever. She still only has 6 teeth but she’s definitely getting more. Hopefully soon.

Friday 26th:

Payday bitches lol spent £53 online at H&M on summer stuff for Scarlett. Got 20% off because I am a H&M member. Woohoo lol

Me and Amelia went for lunch at work together. We went to the harvester around the road. It was nice just us 2.

My mom worked the night so it was just me and Scarlett. The usual. I watched some tele, had a shower then read my book. I’m reading the latest Alex Cross book. I love it! I’ve read all 23 previous ones.

I came across a heart wrenching tribute on ITV before I went to bed. See below:
Saturday 27th:

Scarlett missed out on breakfast with me and mom as she wasn’t awake at 7:30 when mom got in from work with a McDonald’s breakfast. She woke up about 20 minutes after so she ended up just having a hash brown instead of a wrap. She wasn’t overly fussed tbh and she had a bottle, watched some teletubbies and then I put her up for a nap because she asked to go. She kept rubbing her eyes so I asked if she wanted a nap and she pointed at the stairs, got off my lap and walked to the stair gate. She didn’t settle in bed until about an hour after though. I listened to her talking to herself for ages. I watched NCIS from Friday and then I read more of my book. Scarlett settled and I must’ve fell asleep on the sofa because next time I know, the monitor is lit up and she’s crying. So I go up and sort her out. Get her dressed and off we go to my Nan’s house. As she hasn’t had lunch yet I defrosted her a shepherds pie but she wouldn’t eat it. She just wanted her bottle so I gave her some milk. Then she played. In and out the garden all day. She got her outfit soaking wet so I changed her into a new vest and a clean shirt so she could continue playing. We ended up staying for dinner then we came home.

She had a bath, watched 1 episode of teletubbies then up to bed she went with her bottle. She went straight to sleep as she had skipped her afternoon nap so she must’ve been shattered.

I’m watching 12 monkeys on Netflix and enjoying a quiet Saturday evening. Mom’s working tonight so again it’s just us 2.



Sunday blues

Friday 7th:

Brett came down tonight. He got to mine at midnight-ish. We were fine but he got the hump when I mentioned my plans to take Scarlett to Italy. He was really upset I had “considered” him. He said that if we are suppose to be a family then why wouldn’t I want him to go. I tried to explain to him that we aren’t the traditional type family. We don’t live together. We don’t even parent her equally. I do 85%, he does a small part when he IS here. So yeah he didn’t take it great. It wasn’t even that I didn’t want him to come. It was more “I just wanted to take her on a trip I had planned long before I had fell pregnant and had sacrificed it for her”.

Saturday 8th:

He still wasn’t happy when he got up and I thought he was going to go home. But we worked it out. We let Scarlett nap then we took her into town. He walked around with her. occasionally she would hold his hand. Cute! We had lunch then we went back home. She had dinner and then he did bath time and put her to bed then we watched a film. We watched Nerve.


Sunday 9th:

We went to bed quite late Saturday as we watched another film in bed and then went to bed. Getting up was rough but I put Scarlett back down for a nap after bottle and breakfast so that was good. Again we went into town. We had lunch and then did some shopping before heading home. We put Scarlett down for an afternoon nap and watched the finale episode of 13 Reasons Why. That show has changed me. It was so intense and eye opening. I mean, I am fully aware of how bullying goes in school having been on the receiving end, in the same kind of ways that Hannah was. Which just reinforced the fact that it could have easily been me who did what she did. Scary thought! I just hope I can raise Scarlett to feel like she can always talk to me and Brett [no matter what], and if not us then another family member if she is having a hard time. I would not wish her to suffer in silence.

Brett went home at about 8ish. He did bath time before he went. She loves when he baths her. I put her down after he went and then mom and I watched Vera.

Work tomorrow but it is only a 4 day week as it is Easter, so Friday is Good Friday. I am off next week so I effectively have 10 days off. Yes!


Friday feeling

Monday 3rd:

We did Scarlett’s official “I can walk” sticker. She has done so well with it recently and her walking outside settled it for me. Mom and I had a girl night and we watched Broadchurch together as it was her only night off all week.

Tuesday 4th:

Scarlett was constipated. I hadn’t noticed as her nappies had been fine but the nursery said the day before that she was so my nan was sent out to get some pure OJ for her. Apparently she didn’t like it lol she kept pulling a funny face!


Look at her cheeky face. She knows she isn’t meant to be climbing!

Wednesday 5th:

We had our monthly 1-to-1 meetings at work today. I decided to take Scarlett to Italy. I had always planned to go in 2015 but I decided to leave it as I found out I was pregnant and needed to be sensible with my money. But now Scarlett is a toddler and I am working, I can afford [just about] to take her away. So I have booked our flights there and back. I have reserved rooms in the hotels. The plan is to fly to Verona and stay there for 2 days then get a train to Venice. Stay in Venice for a night then fly down to Rome and stay in Rome for 3 days. We can get a train to Naples from Rome, for the day. I am really excited. I will get Scarlett a passport at the end of this month. I have already renewed mine, in 2015. How exciting! I have a list for each city of thing to do/see. Hopefully we will manage 3 thing at least but ideally I wanna do/see 5 things in each place.

Thursday 6th:

I got up earlier and cooked sausages for breakfast for me and mom. I accidentally defrosted too many sausages so we kept them for dinner. We ate our breakfast then she dropped me

Mom worked Tuesday, Wednesday night and tonight. So we had dinner then she left for work. I have been Netflixing this show called 13 reasons why. It is very impressive. It is about a young girl who kills herself during high school but leaves behind a series of tapes that each side is dedicated to one person who did or said something to her that led up to her committing suicide. Only the people on the tapes can listen, they have to follow a series of rules and there is this guy who is around watching them all. He keeps them in time. Each person who is on one of the tapes listens to all 13 tapes by themselves then they get passed on to another person. The series is narrated partially by the dead girl but also the person who currently has the tapes, Clay [he had a crush on her]. He doesn’t understand why he would be a candidate on the tapes and doesn’t really want to find out because he didn’t think he had ever hurt her in any way. It is really easy to relate to in regards to the BS of school days. Everyone had their clicks, even in our British schools we still have the same kind of set up as American High Schools. I cannot wait to find out more.

Friday 7th [today]:

Today is Friday. Yay! Brett and me have had a falling out. It is over something stupid but now it has escalated. I never know what it is he expects from me. He knows I don’t show my feelings the same way as he does, yet he still expects me to. Which is unfair. That isn’t me, and he is meant to love me for who I am, yet expects me to change myself? He is meant to be coming down tonight but I just don’t know how it is going to go. He seems so defeated about us. I guess I just don’t measure up to his expectations of a girlfriend?

Going on lunch soon. Think my little team is off down the pub so I will join as we don’t go out much as a team.


Red Nose Day 2017

Monday 20th:

My brother came home to visit. He had missed us, but mostly Scarlett. Obvs! We caught her walking about on camera. She was just wandering back and forth the lounge.

Tuesday 21st:

Today it has been 15 years since my uncle Jay died. People lie. Time doesn’t heal shit. You just learn to accept they are gone. 15 years on and it still hits us like a tonne of bricks.

I had my rescheduled Doctor’s appointment today. I didn’t get in to work until 9:45 so I have to make that time up the rest of the week #annoying

Wednesday 22nd:

My brother had said he was going back home to his Dad’s today but he decided not to. It annoyed me a little because I had expected him not to be there when I got in from work. I had looked forward to having the house to myself once my mom had gone to work but I didn’t. I couldn’t wander round naked or whatever lol I have loved having that freedom.

Thursday 23rd:

My brother went home today. Work was long. Can’t wait for the weekend. My grandad got a call from his doctor this evening saying one of his blood test levels was abnormal so he needed to go up A&E. They’ve kept him in.

Friday 24th [today]:

Today is Red Nose Day. Scarlett wore her RND top I got her from TK Maxx ages ago. I tried to find something red to wear but don’t actually have anything red lol my nan was on her own so I asked her what she was doing for dinner. She said she wasn’t alone as her brother was coming over, like he usually does on Friday nights. So that was ok. I finished my book, finally lol Scarlett has been in a bed a while. I am catching up with Iron Fist. I am loving this show. It crosses over with Daredevil, which I have already watched 2 seasons of. Waiting on season 3.


Omg! Spa day

Omg spa day! It was fab. I had a McDonald’s breakfast to set me off then I settled in for my treatments. I had an hour long Indian head message at 10am followed by an hour long full body massage then I had a half hour break where I relaxed in the relaxation room with some water. Then I had a half hour facial. I felt so serene when I left at 1pm.

I came home and caught up with supernatural and laid in bed being totally lazy until I had to go and pick Scarlett up from nursery at 4:30!!! I missed her but it WAS so lovely to have a little “me” time.

Saturday we didn’t go to Stratford in the end. I had a nasty headache and Scarlett didn’t feel very well. She slept basically all day and it was obviously much needed and she wouldn’t have been able to do that at a party, so then she would have been a nightmare later on. I apologied to my friend and said I’d post little man’s presents in the week. My BMF went to the party. I saw her snapchats and I was sad to have missed out but ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

Scarlett did some steps. Finally. I was super excited (you can tell in the video lol)

Sunday we had dinner at my nan’s house but she had a full house so we didn’t stay as long as usual. She dished up for 18 people. That was 8 kids and 10 adults. Too hectic! I washed up then we went home. 

Monday I woke up so late, mom was late in from work in the morning to pick us up and her car had trouble because the inside was frozen due to the water leak she’s had. Total nightmare. I got to work 15 minutes late and just felt like I shouldn’t have even got up. Anyone else would have a baby who wakes up at 6am and can be used as an alarm but not me. I have a kid who sleeps mostly till I wake her. Lazy cow! I was in a foul mood all day and I have no idea why. I just felt so irritable!
Today was a better day. I’m thankful that I’m busy at work because it means I don’t spend a lot of time thinking and overthinking. I’m really struggling with the fact I cannot afford to move out yet. I really need to. It’s affecting me mentally and emotionally because I don’t feel in control of my own child’s life, because we are effectively living in “someone else’s” house. All I can do is save, save, save.

Scarlett went to bed at 7:15. She woke up about 12:20. Her eczema is bad and her leg is hurting her so I changed her nappy and re-creamed her sore leg then put her back down. She laid down but kept sitting up so I got her back out and decided she may be hungry so I got some antibiotics down her and then she had a 5oz bottle. She drained it flat and has been laying in her cot talking to herself and playing with her TedTed. I can’t sleep whilst she’s awake so tomorrow will be fun when I’m knackered lol

She’s gone quiet, I think!


Baby’s first party

So I had the longest day ever. Felt like 20 hours at work, not a mere 9.

Mom picked me up from work and we drove straight to the restaurant where my cousins party was being held. Scarlett’s first party (for child I mean, obviously she went to my aunts party 2 weeks ago) We stayed for 1 drink. Watched her blow the candles out whilst we sang Happy Birthday then we left. Scarlett had her first Party Bag. So cute! She was shattered and hungry. I had fed her at the party. She drank 3oz. She played then did a massive poop so it was bath time at 7ish.

After she was ready for bed I took her downstairs and she finished the 2oz in her bottle then we cuddled. I took her up to bed half asleep and by 8pm she was flat out sleeping. She’s so good. She only stood up a few times. Mostly she just fidgeting until she was comfy for sleep.

I watched some tele and ate my dinner. It’s payday so I ordered a cheeky Chinese. There’s lots of rice left over so that’ll be a good snack tomorrow. I suppose I’ll have to share as Scarlett LOVES rice! Lol

Tomorrow we are going shopping so I can find a bloody dress for this fancy Christmas party that my work are doing on Friday. I hate dress. Like seriously! We are also going to visit santa, if they’ve already set up the Santa Station. I’ll have a look tomorrow.

I’m in bed reading my book. I’m really in to this one. Can’t put it down. I’m about 70% read!!!


Day off

Today Scarlett had her 8-12 month health visitor review. She did fab. They said that most babies get at least one mark in the grey or black area, which is totally normal. But all her marks were in the white. Go Scarlett!

Let’s review this week. It has been a very overwhelming and slightly stressful week.

Monday Scarlett was 38 weeks old…

Right. It all started on when I got a call from a woman saying she was a researcher for the Jeremy Kyle show. Apparently she had read my email from months ago (I had asked for their help in finding Scarlett’s dad). She reckoned they could help but needed some more background information. So we chatted and then she said she was going to try to get hold of him. She said she would call me back tomorrow if she had an update.

Tuesday I got a call off the lady in the morning saying she had apparently got hold of him via his grandparents. She claimed he was rude and angry. He claimed he didn’t know me at first, then tried saying the baby probably wasn’t his as I had “slept around”. I was furious. Who wouldn’t be. She said she would try him again and speak to his grandmother but that may not get anywhere, however she would keep me in the loop.

Wednesday I received an inbox message on my Facebook from a young-ish girl. She said she had opened a letter that had come to her house, addressed to her mom. She said she thinks she knows who I am looking for. She asked for a contact number but I was wary because it could’ve been a cruel hoax. So I asked how she may know the person? And she replied “he is my brother”. Mind blown. I gave my number and she said she had just rung their mom and she was coming over then she would call me. About half hour later she called. She was in tears saying she had no idea about me and the baby. She was disappointed in Harry for not telling anyone. She wanted to meet me, she said she didn’t mind if I didn’t bring the baby with me, she just wanted to talk. I said to come over when I finished work. So I spent the rest of the day totally unfocused. This was such a big deal. As stupid as it was I felt like I had to make a good impression, even though why do I need to? He left me with the baby. I have done everything for her, and done my utmost to keep her fed, happy and healthy.

So they came over at 5:30. We hadn’t long got home. Scarlett was playing on the floor. She brought her daughter (Harry’s sister) with her, as support I guess. We chatted. She said that she had spoken to Harry and he said the show had lied or at least exaggerated what had been said. I said I figured as much because whilst I was mad he had supposedly said that stuff, part of me didn’t think he would have said it. She says she was heading to his on her way home to discuss properly everything. She said they (her, and the family) wanted to be part of Scarlett’s (and effectively my) lives even IF he doesn’t. I told her that if he wants a DNA he can have it. No issues. I have NOTHING to hide. She is his daughter, 1000000000000%. She asked if she could give him my number. I agreed, obviously.

He later text me saying “thanks for seeing my mom and sister. I have seen some pictures of Scarlett and she is adorable” (yeah, no, duh!). “I hope we could arrange something in the future.” I replied with “yes hopefully we can. There is honestly no hard feelings. I just want what is best for Scarlett”.

Thursday (yesterday) I woke up with a nasty migraine. I haven’t had a proper one like that for a long time. It threw me. But I should’ve guessed I’d have one as I was due a period. I called in sick, waved Scarlett off to nursery and climbed into bed with my special eye mask (goes in the fridge) and some meds. I managed to successfully sleep it off in 4 hours, without being sick. Winning!

Brett and I had been rowing on and off since I had told him what had happened. He feels a bit pushed out. Then he wouldn’t speak to me. I can see this is going to be a struggle because he cannot see the bigger picture.

Today (Friday) Scarlett had her 8-12 month review with the health visitors. She did brilliantly. She showed off all her skills lol including her newly perfected “wave”. The health visitor said most babies have 1 or 2 scores in the black or grey bit on the chart, which is TOTALLY normal, but she had all hers in the white. My clever little jellybean. They weighed her at the appointment and did her height. She weighs 13 lb 14 oz, keeping her evenly on the 2nd centile but her height puts her on the 50th centile. She is 69cm. My little leggy blonde (currently, will turn dark eventually).

After her appointment we did our food shopping then we went to my nan’s so we could go with her to Costco to stock up on the bare necessities such as loo roll and bread etc. She doesn’t seem herself at the moment. She keeps coming down all feverish, dose her with some calpol and she’s okay but very grumpy and grizzly. I don’t know why. She has had this viral thing for almost a fortnight now. Maybe it is that? We went to Vodafone because I wanted to upgrade my shitty iPhone and my iPad is due for upgrade too. Whilst waiting a youth managed to steal and make off with one of the display phones. Madness!

Harry and I made plans to meet in town next Sunday. I just hope he shows up otherwise I will think he is messing us around. I won’t stand for that. He cannot be in and out. She needs stability.

Going to my dad’s tomorrow for the day. Hopefully we will have a nice day and I can forget about Brett and me arguing.