Mother’s Day 2018

Friday Brett came down at 9ish. We were at my Nan’s do he got dropped there. He had gotten a card from Scarlett to me for Mother’s Day. I didn’t expect that. He wrote it in the dining room and had her draw on it for me. It was very thoughtful. He also got my a dvd from her too. La la land.

We got home and put Scarlett to bed. We laid in bed chatting for hours. Eventually we went to sleep.

Saturday Scarlett woke up at 8ish. I picked her up from the cot and changed her nappy then I took her into my bedroom to wake up Brett. To his credit, he did get up. We all went downstairs and I made breakfast. We watched Postman Pat the movie then we took Scarlett up for a nap. I had a headache so I laid down on my bed whilst she was asleep. It helped.

When she woke up we all got dressed then my mom took her in the car to town and me and Brett got the bus. We couldn’t fit all of us in the car as my brother and his girlfriend were coming to the shop as well. We met up with them in ASDA. Brett and I primarily went to get my microwave. He agreed he’d buy me one and he’s stuck by that, even post-breakup. I picked a nice little white one and then mom put it in her car.

My mom had gotten me some flowers from Scarlett. Once they’d gone through the checkout she gave them to her to give me.

We took Scarlett and went into town for lunch. She didn’t want to sit in the “baby seat”. She wanted to sit on the chair next to “daddy” to eat her lunch. After we ate we headed to my nan’s. We stayed for a cup of tea and ended up having dinner. I just about managed to eat some but Brett isn’t a huge eater and his lunch had finished him off so we wrapped it up and brought it home.

He packed his stuff up whilst I bathed Scarlett then my nan picked him up and dropped him at the station for 8. I put Scarlett to bed then I caught up with some TV before heading to bed.

Today is Mother’s Day. My mom’s away. She’s at her boyfriends. My Nan is out for dinner so it’s just me and Scarlett. Except it’s never just us in the house. God I can’t wait to move!

She woke up at 8:30. We had porridge then we watched Brave in bed whilst doing puzzles. At 11am I put her down for a nap. She woke up at 1:30. We got dressed and headed to my nan’s. She had said if we wanted some space then we were welcome to go to hers whilst she was out. So we did. I cooked our dinner. We had steak pie and chips. We watched teletubbies, played games, coloured lots. Overall just spent the day together. Which was lovely but I was a bit irked that no one wanted to make it special given that it’s my last Mother’s Day living at my mom’s house. But whatevs!

I caught Scarlett standing on my nans windowsill looking out at the kids playing outside. She wanted to join in. But she’s just too little. Maybe next year.

My grandparents got home and we had a cup of tea. Scarlett helped feed Marley, like usual. She loves being helpful. She knows the routine and doesn’t need much prompting, my clever bean!

My nan dropped us home at 6:30. We got straight in the bath. Scarlett loves it when we share a bath but I don’t do it often as it’s harder work than if I just bath her quick then get her dressed lol we came downstairs to watch some dancing on ice as she loves it. We spoke to Brett then I took her up at 8:15. She cried so I had to go back up for cuddles then she went to sleep. Haven’t heard a peep since!

I started watching a film on my iPad but got distracted then it was too late to watch the rest so I’ll watch it another day.

Work tomorrow. Hope it’s not a stressful day. Got enough stresses in my head with this move!


P.S. 11 days till moving day!!!!


50 shades of pure cheese!

Friday Brett got here relatively earlier than usual. My Nan picked him up from the train station at like 9:15 so he was at mine for 9:30. We watched some TV and then climbed into bed.

Saturday Scarlett woke up quite early. About 7ish. I got her up and out the cot at 8. I did her some breakfast. She had some fruit and a yoghurt. We watched some TV, did some colouring and she played with my hair. At 9:30 we came upstairs to get Brett up. Mom did us some breakfast. She cooked. We headed down town to the bank as I needed to transfer some money. Then we headed to my nan’s. We stopped for a few cups of tea. At 3pm we headed Home to pack a few bits for our night “away” then we set off for town. We checked in at the hotel, dumped our stuff then headed back to town. Brett needed some new clothes so we hit up Sports Direct then we went back to the hotel. We put the TV and chilled for a bit. We decided we’d eat at 7ish as movie was 8:40. We ended up eating at 7:30/8ish. We went to the Tilly in town (Wetherspoons). Cheap meal and good food. I was stuffed.

We watched 50 shades freed. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t as intense as the book. And I feel their stuffed the good bits (kidnapping) into a small 5 minute segment. It could’ve been much more exciting than that. Also it just felt so damn cheesy. Eurgh!

After the movie finished we walked back to the hotel. We put the Winter Olympics on. We stayed up chatting about EVERYTHING. It was really nice and good fun. But we didn’t realise how late it was and when we finally laid our heads down to sleep it was half 3 in the morning. Not ideal.

Sunday I woke up at 8ish with my alarm but I reset it for 9 and went back to sleep. I got up at 9 and jumped in the shower. I needed to get the make up off my face and wash my hair. When I was done I woke Brett up. We checked out just after 10 and walked back to the Tilly for breakfast. Brett didn’t eat. He never does lol I did though, I was hungry.

We jumped on the bus and headed to my Nan’s. Scarlett was happy to see us, for all of 5 minutes. We stayed there for dinner then we headed home at like 4ish. Brett packed his stuff and he left to go home at 5:30. I sorted Scarlett some supper then we did our Weekend Box. 1 of the things was a creative thing. We created dinosaur claws. The other was a cooking/baking thing. We made chocolate rice crispy cakes.

After we made the cakes we watched half of Dancing on Ice. She proper loves it. We did bath time then we watched the rest. She went to bed but she sang for ages. She’s so funny!

Today I woke up to a little horror scene. Since having the coil fitted I’ve been in a weird pattern of having my period one month but skipping the next totally. My periods had gotten lighter. It was great. But today was nasty. I wasn’t expecting it but I had skipped January so I figured at some point something would come. I’ve felt drained all day. I’ve also had a bad headache too. Awesome!

Tonight Scarlett told my mom she didn’t like her. It was in reply to my mom yelling at her to move as she was standing underneath my mom when she was trying to make tea. Hot water is never ideal. She said “me no like you nanny” then stomped out. Teenager alert! Lol

I watched Criminal Minds as it’s back on but now I’m in bed because my head in banging. I’ve taken more paracemtol as it’s been 4 hours now.


A murder, a party and losing the will to live

Friday I went to work. I felt like absolute shit. I was manic all day. Trying to catch up. Trying to do stuff. I made a fair dent in my emails.

After work we went home. There had been an incident near to the party venue at 2pm and I wasn’t sure if the road would be open in time. There had been a fatal stabbing and the road was cordoned off.

Saturday we woke up at 7:30ish. Mom had worked the night so she grabbed breakfast on her way home. We ate when she got in. Scarlett ate loads. I was due to go to the venue for 11. I needed to go to town to get her cake. So I put her down for a nap then at 9:45 Grandad picked me up. The road was still shut. I had phoned the venue at half 8 and they reckoned I was still able to go ahead with the party. So I went to Asda to sort her cake. I settled on one of her Cake Smash pictures on it. I grabbed myself a new top to wear then we paid and left. I stopped by Home to grab what I needed then I went to my nan’s. She lives nearer to the venue than I do and I was due there at 11ish.

I walked over. I was perplexed. I couldn’t figure out how I was meant to get in when the front of the entire building/flats was cordoned off, including the road. I walked round behind and found the security guy (we had spoken on the phone). He let me in and said he’d lift the car park barriers so my guests could come in and out. And when we are finished later to call him and he’d come lock up the building.

The soft play guy arrived to set up at 11:15. My nan came with the food. I decorated and everyone blew up the balloons. I can’t because I’m allergic to latex. The guy finished setting up and left.

Just before the party was due to start I creeped into the toilet so I could slap some makeup on and change my top. Then I headed back out. I still felt like shit but the party was actually happening so I “put my big girl pants on”.

People arrived. People had a laugh. The kids played. They ate. It was good. I did some mingling. I met some of her Nursery friend’s parents. They’re all lovely. The kids too.

We did some presents from Brett’s brother because they’re big and they said it’ll be easier for them to take them straight back home in the car. Otherwise I’d have to drag it to their house on the train next time we visit. It was a crayola my first easel set. She’ll love it.

We did the cake at 2ish then everyone slowly parted ways. We gave them all their party bags and then when they’d all gone we tidied up. The soft play guy came at 2:50 and put everything away. I paid the remaining fee. I called security to inform them that we were leaving then we left.

We stopped at my nans house for a cup of tea then we headed home. Scarlett had eaten a lot so she just had some chips with Brett. I had a chicken curry. She had her bath then she went to bed.

We both felt knackered so we climbed into bed at like 9:30. We were going to watch a film but instead we just laid in bed chatting. We went to bed quite early, must’ve been midnight.

Sunday Brett looked at trains and they were rail replacement so he said he’d go home the next day. Worked for me. Scarlett got up at 8. We had breakfast at 10 then I put Scarlett up for a nap. We woke her at 12:30 so we could go out for dinner. We went to the Beefeater in town. I had garlic flatbread for starter then a buttermilk fried chicken burger with chips for a main. Scarlett had chicken bites, chips and peas. She ate a little but she wasn’t overly hungry. She helped my mom eat her dinner though lol

We left the restaurant a 3:15 and headed to my Nan’s. We had a cup of tea then headed home at 5ish. Scarlett had a yoghurt then went up for a bath at 6:30. We got her into bed at 8pm. We wanted to watch a film. Brett said Django so I found Django Unchained on Netflix. We watched it. I made him some supper. I ate my leftover rice from the night before.

The film finished quite late. I needed a shower as I had Work the next day. So we jumped in the shower then got into bed.

My neck has been really painful. Neck. Not throat. My throat is tolerable. My neck hurts if I turn too far either way. If I tilt my head. If I swallow or cough. It’s ridiculous. I cried. In bed. In front of Brett. I hate crying but I hate crying with an audience even more!! He cuddles me and said I’d be ok. It helped. We went to sleep.

Today I woke up and I just felt like utter shit. I was sick in bathroom. My head was pounding. My neck was killing me. I called in dead sick then booked a doctors appointment. They gave me a triage call first then an appointment for 11:40. I watched more Hemlock Grove then I climbed into bed with Brett. He woke up and said he was going to head home. So he left at half 10. At 11:20 I set off for the Doctors. I saw the same doctor as last week and she couldn’t get me out of there quick enough. Apparently my neck pain is muscular and will go away on it’s own. Basically put up and shut up!

After the doctors I walked to my nans house. I had some lunch at 12:30 then at 3pm mom came round. We went to Morrison’s to grab some food for Work then we went and picked up Scarlett. She had a good day. She ate and slept well apparently.

We went home and did some colouring. We played with her baby dolls. I took her up for a bath. She won’t get undressed. Turns out she needed a poo. When she was finished I stripped her off and she had a bath. She had her bottle and I took her up to bed at 7:30 but she didn’t settle. Mom went up once to sort her out. She’d taken her trousers off. I went up the second time and brought her downstairs. We turnedthe lights off and just had the tv on, down low.

I took her back up to bed at 9:30 as she seemed more ready for bed. I think she was missing me because she sat with me, cuddling and kissing my face. Rubbing my arm. Playing with my hair. So I can’t be mad at that!

I watched Vera at 10pm. It’s almost 2 hours long so it’s only just finished. I’m headed to bed now.


Boxing Day 2017

Yesterday I didn’t drop off until almost 3am. Stupid Pro Plus tablets. I forgot they have caffeine in them. Brett woke me up not long after I had nodded off because he’d had a really bad dream. He was thrashing about and shouting in his dream. Weird!

Today Scarlett woke up today at 7 but she settled so I left her. She finally woke up at 8am. I did her bottle then she had some breakfast. She didn’t want to nap so I left her with Brett’s mom whilst we went to Argos. He wanted to get his PS4 in the Boxing Day sales. I offered to pay half. So I gave him £150. Whilst in Argos I got myself a new storage unit for my bedroom and Scarlett some more earrings (if she ever lets me change them). We came back and his mom had dressed Scarlett. She played and then we had some lunch. She was tired but wouldn’t go to sleep but she did curl up on my lap. She was almost asleep but then she noticed everyone had chocolates so she climbed down to investigate. My mom turned up at 2:40 to pick us up from Brett’s. She stopped for a cup of tea and a toilet break. We loaded the car. I forgot about a million things then we finally set off. We stopped at services just before we hit Guildford then we powered on to my nan’s brother’s house. He always does a Boxing Day buffet open house. So we stopped by to say Hey! We ate some food. I drank some wine. Then we headed home. Scarlett had a bath with me then mom dressed her so I could wash my hair in peace. Scarlett cried all the way through bath time and getting dressed. She felt super hot so I gave her some calpol then a bottle. She was sat with my mom and she fell asleep all cuddled up so I took her up to bed.

We got out the prosecco. We watched Emmerdale from today and then had some cheese and crackers. Boursin is too more-ish!

I came up to bed at gone 11. I checked Scarlett and she was roasting still so I gave her some Nurofen. She wasn’t that bad at being woken up for medicine. She took it then just flopped on me so she could go back to sleep. I just held her for 5 minutes then I laid her down.

Brett messaged me to say he’s been sick a few times and he’s feverish. Not good. We’ve just spent 5 days with him so someone, somewhere has got germs and have shared them. Which means we may have caught something too. I hope he’s okay. I’m crossing my fingers that it’s just something he’s eaten and that Scarlett’s fever is teething related. I’m fully expecting a long night ahead as she’s coughing a lot in the night and the monitor keeps lighting up.

We shall see…

It’s our Christmas tomorrow. We’re going to my nan’s in the morning to open presents then we’ll come home and do ours or eat then do ours. Not sure which. I’m not fussed either way.


Not how I expected my weekend to go

Friday was a nightmare at work. My temp, who use to give me a lift, said she wasn’t coming back on Monday. One of the managers had upset her and she didn’t want to work in a place where people are rude to each other. She was furious in the afternoon. I half expected her to up and leave there and then. I think she would’ve if she’d had her car but her husband had borrowed it because his was in the garage.

We were due to go to Brett’s house. Normally I check the trains ahead of time but I left it until 3pm. When I looked it said there were delays my end of the tracks until 5-6pm and his end there was a lot of cancelled trains due to an issue at East Croydon. So I thought we could go at 7pm as the was a train at 7 that looked like it was the usual 1 connection, 1 hour 15 minutes route. But when I got in from work, I realised it would be far too cold, far too late and far too dark to be dragging my toddler on the train. So I told Brett that I’d decided not to come due to the reasons above. I anticipated he’d have the hump but what happened was beyond anything I expected. He was utterly vile to me. Basically insulted my parenting skills by trying to say that taking her to watch a 15 minutes fireworks display in a mild November is the same as a 90 minute December journey at 7pm at night on a Friday after being at Nursery all day. And said I must be such a good mom for taking her to see fireworks (in the dark and cold) but not taking her on a train. Also said I traumatised her by taking her to see Santa. Oh and brought up the one time recently when she was walking underneath me when I was carrying something. I didn’t see her, I turned and my knee knocked her over and she hit her head on the doorframe. Like it was an accident. They happen from time to time. I didn’t mean to hurt her and I felt awful when she was upset. I picked her up and gave her a cuddle. That’s what moms do. I frequently pick her up and cuddle her.

Anyway, he was just horrible to me and I realised that I just don’t need or want him in my life (or Scarlett’s) anymore. So I blocked him for some peace then later I messaged him to say I can’t be with him anymore. I don’t love him in the same way as I used to. I’m not coming for Christmas. And please don’t harass me to get me back or try emotional blackmail like you usually do. I then blocked him again. I was up till almost 3am chatting to my bestie. She had a lot of support and advice to give on leaving a shitty relationship.

Saturday he tried to call me at some point in the morning as I had a voicemail. I only listened to a few seconds before deleting it.

Scarlett got up at 9. She had her bottle and we read some of her new books. She asked for breakfast. I asked her what she wanted, cereal or toast? She said toast. I said tea too? She said yeah! She’s so funny. So she had tea, toast and banana. I waited to eat with my mom as she was going to cook breakfast. We ate at 10:30. Scarlett had some sausage then I put her up for a nap at 11:15. I went up and got in bed because I was so cold and I had a headache. I fell asleep and woke up at 1:30. Then Scarlett woke. I dressed her then I finished putting addresses on the presents I needed to send.

Mom drove me to the post office so I could mail everything. I mailed all my gifts except my Australian secret santa. It was going to cost me £88 to send a £30 gift lol so I decided to try a different postal service. We went into town so I could get a refund on the PS4 Pro I bought Brett for Christmas. So I’m now £300 richer. Which is great because I have Scarlett’s 2nd cake smash to pay for in January as well as her birthday party.

After Argos we went to my nan’s. She had a full house. Everyone was there. We stayed for a few cups of tea. Scarlett had lunch when we first got there. We left at 5. I ordered a Chinese whilst we were watching Madagascar. It took over an hour to come. Scarlett was proper hangry. We ate then I took her up for a bath. I ended up bathing with her. We got our and got dressed. I did her bottle then she said goodnight to everyone as my mom was going to work and so was my brother. I took her up at 9:15 for bed. She was flat out within 15 minutes.

I was watching Grimm on Netflix when the bloody door knocked. I knew who it was. No way was I answering. I have nothing to say to him. I thought I’d made myself pretty clear in my message the night before. I ignored the door. But he knocked twice more. The light in our kitchen was on so I knew he’d see me if I darted upstairs to look out the window. I stood in the doorway and he must’ve sense it because I heard him say something about “come on just answer the door”. I ran upstairs to tell my brother girlfriend not to open the door. Not that she would have. It’s late.

I came back down and he spoke to me through the letterbox. Said he wanted to talk so could I at least open the door. I said no. It won’t change anything. I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. He said he wants to try and he’s listening. I said why listen now. You’ve had almost 2 years. We’re not the same as we were. It’s finished. He got a bit angry and slammed the letterbox. I thought he was gone so sat down but he came back and called my name. So I said what? He said so this is it? You want me to go? I said Yes that’s what I’ve been saying. He said he was sorry it got to this point and sorry we couldn’t work it out. He said he hopes I have a good Christmas and I look after Scarlett then he slammed the letterbox and went. Me and my brother’s girlfriend sat in the front room for a while, expecting him to knock again. But he didn’t. We chatted a bit and then I carried on watching Grimm.

I’m in bed now. Going to have a lazy day tomorrow. I just want to relax and have a laugh with my baby girl. She’s all that matters to me.


Okay, not single

So we talked. We agreed we both need to do more and be better. I’d had a long ass week at work. So had he. I’m worried about my impending scan (waiting for the letter). Christmas is coming. Money!

Saturday morning Scarlett gave me an epic lay-in. She woke up at 9am. I was like woah! She got up and had her bottle. We watched teletubbies then we had breakfast. She went down for a nap at 11am. Mom and I started tidying my room. It’s been too long since I did it. I managed to get rid of 3 bags of unwanted clothes – both mine and Scarlett’s. Also 2 bags of rubbish. And some recyclables. Overall we did well. She woke up at half 1. We got dressed and headed to my nans for lunch and a cup of tea. We ended up being there until 6pm. Scarlett had dinner there then we headed home. I still had some bits to do in my room so once she was in bed I ate, caught up with Inhumans then headed upstairs to finish. My room looks so much better now.

Today she woke up at half 7. She had a bottle and we played then breakfast. We got dressed and then my mom dropped us at the station. We got to Eastleigh at 10:30. She was a bit shy at first as we don’t see my dad and family that often. She was fine after a while. We had lunch at 12ish then we went to the park behind my Dad’s house. Then we wandered to the lake before heading back.

She was tired so I got her to lay down on a blanket in the front room. She nodded off pretty quick. We left her to nap. We convened in the kitchen. She woke up and they all had dinner (I don’t like gammon so I just had some mash). Then they had pecan pie and custard. Apparently she likes it as she ate all her pudding. We grabbed our stuff at 4:45 and set off for the train station.

We got on the train at 5:15 and were back in Farnborough by 6:05. Mom hadn’t eaten (and neither had I) so we got food on our way home. We ate. Scarlett helped lol she got in the bath at 7:30. I had a shower then I did her bottle and she went to bed at 8. She was out like a light, bless her.

I got into bed at half 9. I found my Fitbit charger so that was on charge after I showered. It had been flashing red at me all day so I had fully expected it to die all day.

Payday tomorrow. Can finally get some of my Christmas shopping done on Saturday. I have 1/3 left to do. Some is online so will get it ordered. We’re taking her to see santa on Saturday. I wonder if she’ll cry like she did last year lol

I’m waiting patiently for my urgent scan referral letter. Hopefully I get that tomorrow. The sooner it’s done, the better I’ll feel.


Ps. There is 28 days till Christmas!!!!

Thank god I am single!

Yesterday was hectic. We got so close to loading Air at work but hit a brick wall, again. It’s so frustrating. I’ve done my part and filled out my import spreadsheets but someone somewhere else hasn’t done their part so it cannot be loaded yet.

Brett FaceTimed Scarlett at 6ish and then I bathed her then put her to bed. I watched some TV and ate my dinner. I messaged him at half 8 to see if he was ok. He’d had a shit day at work, he’d told me in the day. He said no he wasn’t so I asked what’s up? He said don’t worry about it I cba. Meaning it was a long story and he didn’t wanna get in to it. So I called him to say a proper Hey and he was really rude to me. He was like what do you want? He hung up when I was mid sentence. So I messaged him to say he didn’t need to hang up, I’d talk to him tomorrow as he’s clearly busyand he can explain why his day was shit. If he wanted. He went off on one. Started saying I was being difficult and I should just leave him alone when he’s got the hump. And just being absolutely ridiculous. I just sat there reading what he was saying I just felt so drained. Relationships aren’t perfect, I get that. Everyone disagrees. No one agrees with everything. But we are just so up and down, constantly. No matter how much he tells me arguing is normal, it’s not. It drains me. And I just sat there and I realised I didn’t want this anymore. It wasn’t worth the fighting. So I blocked communication and went to bed.

Today I woke up and it took me a while to remember what had occurred. And do you know what, I found myself not caring. I just got up and did the same things I do everyday. Nothing had significantly changed except inside my head. I felt relieved. I didn’t feel drained or boggled. I just felt “okay”. I had taken my ring off the night before. I glanced at it on the side and reminded myself to put it somewhere better than my bedside table. He may ask for it back if he ever tries to chase me. I don’t want him to. I don’t expect him to. But he does know where I am and he may turn up on my doorstep.

I went to work and I had a stressful mid-morning with air. Banged my head against the wall a lot. Afternoon was a laugh though. I helped my manager sort out Secret Santa. I sort of know the person I matched with so that’s good.

After work we headed to the social club for my cousin’s birthday. She is 4 today so her mom has thrown a party. There was a bouncy castle and lots of soft play toys. Scarlett dived straight into the buffet and spent 20 minutes walking around eating a biscuit watching everyone playing. She did a disgusting stinky poo and I had no wipes (I’d come from work) and I reasoned changing her now was a waste of happy as she was soon going home for a bath. So we braved the stench and drove home at 10 to 6. She got straight in the bath. I got in with her. She’s getting better at playing in the bath water whilst I wash my hair under the shower. Once we were both clean we got out. Went downstairs for a cup of tea. She helped my mom eat her dinner (Scarlett had already had her dinner at Nursery). Usually she goes to bed at 7 as she’s shattered but she was happy and playing nicely so I let her stay up. My mom’s friend was here so she was entertaining her. I put her to bed at 8:30. She’s so funny that kid!

My mom, my brother’s girlfriend and me watched Jack Reacher 2 whilst I ate my dinner. Now I’m in bed. Tomorrow I’m going to blitz my room for Christmas. As well as Scarlett’s. I’m living in a mess and it’s doing me no good seeing it every day!

I’m reading again so I’m going to read a bit then go to bed. I’m reading Shadow Demons (Peachville High Demons #4).