A murder, a party and losing the will to live

Friday I went to work. I felt like absolute shit. I was manic all day. Trying to catch up. Trying to do stuff. I made a fair dent in my emails.

After work we went home. There had been an incident near to the party venue at 2pm and I wasn’t sure if the road would be open in time. There had been a fatal stabbing and the road was cordoned off.

Saturday we woke up at 7:30ish. Mom had worked the night so she grabbed breakfast on her way home. We ate when she got in. Scarlett ate loads. I was due to go to the venue for 11. I needed to go to town to get her cake. So I put her down for a nap then at 9:45 Grandad picked me up. The road was still shut. I had phoned the venue at half 8 and they reckoned I was still able to go ahead with the party. So I went to Asda to sort her cake. I settled on one of her Cake Smash pictures on it. I grabbed myself a new top to wear then we paid and left. I stopped by Home to grab what I needed then I went to my nan’s. She lives nearer to the venue than I do and I was due there at 11ish.

I walked over. I was perplexed. I couldn’t figure out how I was meant to get in when the front of the entire building/flats was cordoned off, including the road. I walked round behind and found the security guy (we had spoken on the phone). He let me in and said he’d lift the car park barriers so my guests could come in and out. And when we are finished later to call him and he’d come lock up the building.

The soft play guy arrived to set up at 11:15. My nan came with the food. I decorated and everyone blew up the balloons. I can’t because I’m allergic to latex. The guy finished setting up and left.

Just before the party was due to start I creeped into the toilet so I could slap some makeup on and change my top. Then I headed back out. I still felt like shit but the party was actually happening so I “put my big girl pants on”.

People arrived. People had a laugh. The kids played. They ate. It was good. I did some mingling. I met some of her Nursery friend’s parents. They’re all lovely. The kids too.

We did some presents from Brett’s brother because they’re big and they said it’ll be easier for them to take them straight back home in the car. Otherwise I’d have to drag it to their house on the train next time we visit. It was a crayola my first easel set. She’ll love it.

We did the cake at 2ish then everyone slowly parted ways. We gave them all their party bags and then when they’d all gone we tidied up. The soft play guy came at 2:50 and put everything away. I paid the remaining fee. I called security to inform them that we were leaving then we left.

We stopped at my nans house for a cup of tea then we headed home. Scarlett had eaten a lot so she just had some chips with Brett. I had a chicken curry. She had her bath then she went to bed.

We both felt knackered so we climbed into bed at like 9:30. We were going to watch a film but instead we just laid in bed chatting. We went to bed quite early, must’ve been midnight.

Sunday Brett looked at trains and they were rail replacement so he said he’d go home the next day. Worked for me. Scarlett got up at 8. We had breakfast at 10 then I put Scarlett up for a nap. We woke her at 12:30 so we could go out for dinner. We went to the Beefeater in town. I had garlic flatbread for starter then a buttermilk fried chicken burger with chips for a main. Scarlett had chicken bites, chips and peas. She ate a little but she wasn’t overly hungry. She helped my mom eat her dinner though lol

We left the restaurant a 3:15 and headed to my Nan’s. We had a cup of tea then headed home at 5ish. Scarlett had a yoghurt then went up for a bath at 6:30. We got her into bed at 8pm. We wanted to watch a film. Brett said Django so I found Django Unchained on Netflix. We watched it. I made him some supper. I ate my leftover rice from the night before.

The film finished quite late. I needed a shower as I had Work the next day. So we jumped in the shower then got into bed.

My neck has been really painful. Neck. Not throat. My throat is tolerable. My neck hurts if I turn too far either way. If I tilt my head. If I swallow or cough. It’s ridiculous. I cried. In bed. In front of Brett. I hate crying but I hate crying with an audience even more!! He cuddles me and said I’d be ok. It helped. We went to sleep.

Today I woke up and I just felt like utter shit. I was sick in bathroom. My head was pounding. My neck was killing me. I called in dead sick then booked a doctors appointment. They gave me a triage call first then an appointment for 11:40. I watched more Hemlock Grove then I climbed into bed with Brett. He woke up and said he was going to head home. So he left at half 10. At 11:20 I set off for the Doctors. I saw the same doctor as last week and she couldn’t get me out of there quick enough. Apparently my neck pain is muscular and will go away on it’s own. Basically put up and shut up!

After the doctors I walked to my nans house. I had some lunch at 12:30 then at 3pm mom came round. We went to Morrison’s to grab some food for Work then we went and picked up Scarlett. She had a good day. She ate and slept well apparently.

We went home and did some colouring. We played with her baby dolls. I took her up for a bath. She won’t get undressed. Turns out she needed a poo. When she was finished I stripped her off and she had a bath. She had her bottle and I took her up to bed at 7:30 but she didn’t settle. Mom went up once to sort her out. She’d taken her trousers off. I went up the second time and brought her downstairs. We turnedthe lights off and just had the tv on, down low.

I took her back up to bed at 9:30 as she seemed more ready for bed. I think she was missing me because she sat with me, cuddling and kissing my face. Rubbing my arm. Playing with my hair. So I can’t be mad at that!

I watched Vera at 10pm. It’s almost 2 hours long so it’s only just finished. I’m headed to bed now.



2 looks good on her!

So last night Scarlett decided she wanted to have a birthday sleepover. So I let her. But at 2:30am when I woke up for the 3rd time (having real sleeping issues lately), I decided to move her. She didn’t stir. She went in her cot, no fuss. I climbed back into bed and eventually went back to sleep. Woke up at 4-something and 6ish. Eventually my alarm went off at 7. I got up and got dressed. Brushed my teeth and vomited. Twice. Awesome!

Went in to wake her and she was not down for that. She didn’t want to get up and then she was disappointed that she could not have cake for breakfast. I dressed her in her new tshirt. It says “I AM 2”.

I left for work at 7:45. I caught up on things I missed whilst off sick then at 12ish my mom picked me up. We headed to town. I needed to get a cake for Scarlett and then we headed to my Nan’s house for lunch. I was due to view a house I was interested in but they called last minute to say it was left agreed by someone who viewed it today. So that’s that. I was annoyed because I liked the location, price and what I saw online.

After we ate we headed home. Scarlett opened her presents and cards. My mom put her up for a nap and I put together some of the toys she got that require screwing together.

She woke up at 5ish. My dad FaceTimed to say Happy Birthday etc. It’s his birthday Saturday. Which is when her party is.

I put some dinner on at 6:30. I didn’t realise how late it was. Usually she’s eaten by 6 latest. She had pizza but kept stealing chips off of my plate. Cheeky!

I took her up at 7:30 for a bath then did her bottle at 8. I put her to bed at 8:30ish but I heard her an hour later so I got her back up. Sat with the light off, just the tv on, downstairs. She was fine but she started getting tired and miserable. So I took her back off and she settled this time.

I’m watching Hemlock Grove and then I’m off to bed as I’m working tomorrow and I can tell from my emails that I have a mega busy day ahead of me!!!


A party, a cupcake and some Netflix

Wednesday was my neighbours birthday. She works in the office above mine. She came in with a cupcake. I saved mine for Scarlett. She demolished it in the car on the journey home. She did day 13 of her book advent. She got the book “We are going on a bear hunt”.

Thursday I watched the Riverdale season finale during lunch. No idea when season 3 is coming. Can’t believe season 2 is done already. Feels so quick! Scarlett did her book advent for Day 14. She got the book “All Aboard”.

Friday was long at work. It had been a long week. It was Christmas jumper day at the Nursery so I sent Scarlett in with her new reindeer jumper. We were going to a party in the evening so when we got home I tried to get her to nap. She wasn’t keen lol I bathed her and got her dressed at 6. I sent her downstairs so I could straighten my hair and do my make up. I was ready to go. We took a few pics before we left.

Party was good. Scarlett made an automatic beeline for the buffet table. I mean, of course she did, it’s food. She ran around lots. Made a little friend and danced a lot. I danced with her. Towards the evening she was getting tired. I picked her up and she laid in my arms like she was a baby. I swayed with her and she just laid there looking at me. She didn’t try to move or get put down. It was lovely tbh. We left at 10:30 and she got straight into pyjamas at home and into bed. I think I was asleep by 11. I felt shattered. It’s hard work to work all day then go out. Even though we weren’t “that late”, it’s still long!

It was the twins birthday. They were 5 today!!!

Saturday I wasn’t woken up till almost 9. What a fab lay in. Scarlett had her morning milk then we watched some tv. We read her new books. She curled up because she was still tired. My mom got breakfast at 10:30. We ate then I put Scarlett down for a nap. Whilst she slept I ignored my feelings of wanting to nap and I hoovered the front room. In preparation for the Christmas tree being put up. I then finished wrapping presents.

Scarlett woke up when my mom got back from town. They retrieved the tree from the loft. It was up and Scarlett “helped” us decorate it. I added her personalised bits from last year and this year too.

I need to get my haircut so at 3ish my mom took Scarlett to my nan’s for a bit. My nan was out all day visiting my uncle so she’d asked us to let the dog out. I got the bus to town. I picked up my special people Christmas cards and some tidbits to wrap. Then I went to the salon. They were closing in 40m and said they didn’t have time to do what I wanted so I’ll have to go back tomorrow!

I got home at 5ish. I cooked me and Scarlett some dinner then at 6 I took her up for a bath. Also to let the others eat their dinner in peace. She opened her book advent for Days 15 and 16. Day 15 was Cinderella. Day 16 was Some Dogs Do. She had her bottle then went to bed at 7. She was flat out asleep within 15 minutes.

I did some more wrapping whilst my mom dropped my brother at work then we sat down and watched a 4 part series called Bancroft. It was very good. Kept you guessing till the end. Although we did figure out some of it.

I’ve just climbed into bed. I need to go to sleep as Scarlett will wake about 7-7:30 tomorrow.


Thank god I am single!

Yesterday was hectic. We got so close to loading Air at work but hit a brick wall, again. It’s so frustrating. I’ve done my part and filled out my import spreadsheets but someone somewhere else hasn’t done their part so it cannot be loaded yet.

Brett FaceTimed Scarlett at 6ish and then I bathed her then put her to bed. I watched some TV and ate my dinner. I messaged him at half 8 to see if he was ok. He’d had a shit day at work, he’d told me in the day. He said no he wasn’t so I asked what’s up? He said don’t worry about it I cba. Meaning it was a long story and he didn’t wanna get in to it. So I called him to say a proper Hey and he was really rude to me. He was like what do you want? He hung up when I was mid sentence. So I messaged him to say he didn’t need to hang up, I’d talk to him tomorrow as he’s clearly busyand he can explain why his day was shit. If he wanted. He went off on one. Started saying I was being difficult and I should just leave him alone when he’s got the hump. And just being absolutely ridiculous. I just sat there reading what he was saying I just felt so drained. Relationships aren’t perfect, I get that. Everyone disagrees. No one agrees with everything. But we are just so up and down, constantly. No matter how much he tells me arguing is normal, it’s not. It drains me. And I just sat there and I realised I didn’t want this anymore. It wasn’t worth the fighting. So I blocked communication and went to bed.

Today I woke up and it took me a while to remember what had occurred. And do you know what, I found myself not caring. I just got up and did the same things I do everyday. Nothing had significantly changed except inside my head. I felt relieved. I didn’t feel drained or boggled. I just felt “okay”. I had taken my ring off the night before. I glanced at it on the side and reminded myself to put it somewhere better than my bedside table. He may ask for it back if he ever tries to chase me. I don’t want him to. I don’t expect him to. But he does know where I am and he may turn up on my doorstep.

I went to work and I had a stressful mid-morning with air. Banged my head against the wall a lot. Afternoon was a laugh though. I helped my manager sort out Secret Santa. I sort of know the person I matched with so that’s good.

After work we headed to the social club for my cousin’s birthday. She is 4 today so her mom has thrown a party. There was a bouncy castle and lots of soft play toys. Scarlett dived straight into the buffet and spent 20 minutes walking around eating a biscuit watching everyone playing. She did a disgusting stinky poo and I had no wipes (I’d come from work) and I reasoned changing her now was a waste of happy as she was soon going home for a bath. So we braved the stench and drove home at 10 to 6. She got straight in the bath. I got in with her. She’s getting better at playing in the bath water whilst I wash my hair under the shower. Once we were both clean we got out. Went downstairs for a cup of tea. She helped my mom eat her dinner (Scarlett had already had her dinner at Nursery). Usually she goes to bed at 7 as she’s shattered but she was happy and playing nicely so I let her stay up. My mom’s friend was here so she was entertaining her. I put her to bed at 8:30. She’s so funny that kid!

My mom, my brother’s girlfriend and me watched Jack Reacher 2 whilst I ate my dinner. Now I’m in bed. Tomorrow I’m going to blitz my room for Christmas. As well as Scarlett’s. I’m living in a mess and it’s doing me no good seeing it every day!

I’m reading again so I’m going to read a bit then go to bed. I’m reading Shadow Demons (Peachville High Demons #4).


26 candles

Ironically I didn’t actually get a cake for my birthday this year. But that just sums up how my day went. Brett pissed me off because the only thing I asked for for my birthday was a lay-in. And did I get one? No! We had said we’d spend the day together and my mom would babysit. We didn’t go out until half 2. We went bowling. We had two games. He thrashed me on both. Then we played in the arcade. We played air hockey and it was really fun. I love that game.

We got a bus to the garage then my mom picked us up and we went home. I put Scarlett down for a nap. When she woke up I did my makeup and got dressed then we headed out at 7ish. We went to Frankie and Benny’s for a meal. My dinner was delicious. Scarlett ate well but Brett gave her some coke so she was a tad hyper. It took her ages to calm down. We stopped at my nan’s on our way home for a cuppa. We put Scarlett to bed and then we finished watching the second Sherlock Holmes. Now me and Brett are just toasting my birthday with our Asti and chatting.


Naples a no-go

So yesterday we decided we’d go and look at the Trevi Fountain and then the Colosseum. So we headed down for breakfast at the bar across the road, with our “free breakfast” vouchers from the apartment and were told they’d sold out of breakfast. So we shit out. I was not told beforehand it was a first come, first served, so this angered me. We decided to have McDonald’s as there was one near the station. So that’s where we went. A family next to us were talking to Scarlett and she was entertaining them, just as she done with everybody on this trip lol

After we ate we walked all the way to Trevi and found the fountain. We barely got close enough to take a picture properly and Scarlett was actually fast asleep but we managed something!

After the fountain we stopped to eat some chocolate ice cream (which I dropped down my top) then we carried on walking. We were crossing a little road and there was a few people ahead. One guy crossed and was walking away from us but he turned around and started speaking to us. He asked where we were from and we said England. He said that’s good as English love the Africans. He asked about Scarlett. How old etc. He said he had a daughter too. He then handed us bracelets and said “I give you these because you’re from England and you love Africa”. Now we’ve had people “give” us stuff and then ask for money so I knew he expected something. So far we had just handed the items back and said No. But for some unknown reason my brain decided that I should throw him a few euros so I opened my purse up to do this, I pull out a €5 to give to him and he stands next to me and says “Give me the ten”. Before I can say anything he’s took the €10 plus another €5 then marched off. Brett chased him across the road and grabbed my money. He came back with €10 so he managed to get half of what the guy took. We had a row because he said I was stupid for opening my purse. I do agree. I shouldn’t have. But it wasn’t my fault this guy took it upon himself to touch my personal possessions like that. I did not give him permission whatsoever. So Brett’s comments didn’t help the situation. I felt stupid enough. Anyways we marched about and found ourselves no where exciting lol we had to reroute ourselves to find the colosseum (who knew you could lose a place that big) but finally we were close. We decided against an inside tour because I didn’t fancy taking a toddler up that high. My motto was “I came, I saw, I took a pic, I’m done” lol

We headed back to our apartment. We accidentally walked through gang territory in the shape of a park. We put Scarlett down for a nap then we relaxed. Brett had a shower when she woke up and then we headed for dinner. We had a lovely meal at a restaurant near by. I had sage and butter tortellini. I’m in love with that dish. It’s delicious.

Today we decided Naples was a no-go. Neither of us fancied the travelling to and from. And tbh we just wanted to chill the F out. And considering we didn’t wake up till 10am, we had relaxed somewhat. I say 10 but in reality I was awake at 6am because I was hot and needed to open the shutters to let air in. Then Scarlett woke up at 8:30 for a bottle. But yeah, 10 lol I video called my brother as he hadn’t spoken to Scarlett in a while.

We left our apartment at about noon. We ended up down the street in the same restaurant we ate dinner at. I had sage and butter tortellini again and Scarlett tried some this time. She loved it. We ate then wandered. I got a tshirt for myself that says “I love Roma” and then Scarlett got a gladiator tshirt. She’s wearing it home tomorrow. We headed to the supermarket on our way back to the room. We picked up a bottle of Martini Asti and then headed back. We put Scarlett down for a nap then we opened the Asti and toasted to a successful (if slightly stressful and eventful) holiday abroad with a toddler. We finished the bottle and just chilled out. She woke up and we watched teletubbies and FaceTimed my mom then my grandparents. We left for dinner at 9ish. We went to a different restaurant around the corner, opposite the church. I had steak and chips, so did Brett. Scarlett had had yoghurt and snack bits in the apartment so we just gave her a handful of chips. She was so grumpy as she was tired and hot and bothered. The waitress gave her a chocolate wafer. So she was her new BFF lol

After we dinner we headed back. I bathed Scarlett and got her ready for bed. I tried to put her down but she wasn’t having any of it. Brett packed whilst I showered. Then I packed. Then he showered. She was still awake. She finally settled at 12:30. She’s going to be knackered tomorrow so I’m hoping she sleeps on the plane!!!!

I am so looking forward to going home. I’ve missed my mom, my bed, my country’s lovely cooler temperatures lol

It’s my birthday in 1 day (as it’s now the 17th technically). Can’t believe it’s come around so quickly. 26. How?

Our last evening and night in Italy. That happened quickly!!!!


Anxiety creeping

Brett turned up at 10:30ish. So not too late on Thursday. We tried to get an early night but we like to chill and catch up. He woke Scarlett up when he got there so he had to put her back to bed and she wasn’t amused so I ended up giving her a small bottle, as well as teething gel after he had changed her nappy. Once she was asleep we got into bed.

Friday 21st:

Brett turned 25!!!! I got up with Scarlett for nursery. Dressed her then woke Brett up so he could say goodbye as we weren’t going to see her till Saturday once she left. They had cuddles then my Nan picked her up. I climbed back in to bed for a bit. We got up later than we should’ve and he wanted to shower and shit before we left so that took longer. We ended up leaving at 2ish. Train was due at 2:45. Didn’t leave until gone 3pm. We made a “friend” on the platform. An older lady was sat next to us on the bench and she started talking to us. Harmless enough. However it became very clear she was drunk. She was 63 (she said), still very sexually active (she also said) and had a boyfriend in Southampton (where she was headed apparently). We hopped on the train and settled in the “quiet carriage” and she had gotten on a different carriage. 3 minutes later she wanders past with all her stuff and plonks down next to us (well next to me). Fun times. She dropped all her stuff (in that drunk clumsy way people do). So we scrambled around helping her pick it up. She asked our names as she was texting someone about her trip (and meeting us two) and 3 times Brett told her what his name was and 3 times she called him Brian! It was a very painful experience. Thankfully she departed the train at Winchester (after asking us 5 times where she was going?) and we had a quiet remainder to our journey.

We finally got to Portsmouth at 4:25pm. We headed to our hotel for check in. Checked in. Threw our stuff on the bed and went straight back out for dinner. By the time we arrived at Gunwharf Quays it was almost 5. We walked along the food promenade and settled on Pizza Express. Whilst we ate I booked our cinema tickets for 7:15. We finished eating and went for a drink as we had plenty of time. We watched Fast & Furious 8. It’s not my kind of film as such but I have seen most of them so I did enjoy it. After we left the cinema it was about 10ish so we got a train back to the hotel. We wanted some nibbles so we hunted for a convenience store. No success. Brett ended up asking a local and he directed us to the nearest Tesco lol

We didn’t get to sleep until 2am (maybe later). We got caught up in the typical dirty weekend things – food, trashy TV and sex (Obvs). Overall we’d had a good day and night. Brett said his birthday had been great day!!!

Saturday 22nd:

We got up at 9:30 and went down to the restaurant for breakfast. We came back up for showers and packing then at midday we checked out and headed back to Gunwharf. Brett had birthday money to spend and I just wanted to wander. Also we had to do the Spinnaker Tower as Brett had never done it. So we did that first then we had lunch in the cafe below it.

We headed to the shops. Brett had his eyes on some Ralph Lauren so that’s where we headed. I got Scarlett some adorable floral shoes for our trip to Italy in August. We paid for our stuff and then he went to a different store for his dad’s birthday present and then we headed back to the train station to head home.

We got off the train at 4:30 and my nan picked us up. Scarlett acted super excited when she first saw us but then acted all indifferent when we tried to hug her haha sassy pants!

We had a cuppa tea then went home. Brett did bath time whilst we picked up dinner. We had a nice take away from the chippy. He and I then put Scarlett to bed and then watched the Conor McGregor DVD I bought him for his birthday. That was about 3/4 hours then we settled down for bed.

Today (Sunday 23rd):

St. George’s day today. Scarlett’s second one. She gave me a lay in. She woke up at 8 ish but I didn’t hear her till almost 8:30 as she was just talking to herself in her cot! I have her a bottle then we played. Then she had breakfast (and tipped some fruit all over the floor) then I dressed her. I woke Brett up at 10:30 and then at 11 I put Scarlett down for a nap. She slept for ages and I watched some catch-up NCIS. Obsessed with the show. No idea why! Once she was up, we got ready and went to my nan’s for Sunday dinner. Scarlett had her dress on for all over 5 minutes before tipping most of her dinner down herself, mostly gravy.

We had a good afternoon. She walked around the garden, a lot. Mom, her boyfriend, Brett and I nipped to the shops for some food shopping then we swung back to pick Scarlett up before heading home. Brett went home at 5 and I fed Scarlett some tea before taking her up for a bath. She was so tired. She just kept laying her head on my shoulder. At 6:30. She never goes to bed much before 7 usually. But nonetheless I did her bottle and put her to bed. She was out like a light.

I went up and had a shower at 9 and then just chilled etc. I watched some tele and came up to bed at midnight but it’s 1:30am and I’m still awake because it’s hit me that I don’t want to go to work tomorrow and I’ve been to the loo 4 times with stress related bowel issues. I hate that I cannot control my life. I’ve been actively looking for a new job for months and have had no luck. My friend has been looking for maybe a month or so and she managed to land one quickly and has handed her notice in already. I feel sick at the thought of going to work. My mental health is affected so much. To the point where I saw my doctor last week and got referred on to discuss my problems. Anxiety she reckons but I think it’s more than that.

I just had a row with my mom. We were just having a laugh and then I was talking about work and that I hate that I cannot just quit now and she was going on about “don’t forget that I cannot afford to have you here if you’re not working” and it just angered me because as if I don’t know this. She’s been giving me that same line since I was 18. I’m well-a-fucking-ware that she depends on my income. Which adds to my stress because not only do I have a child who relies on me but also my mother. So then she started to say “oh it’s my fault you’re stressed”. I cut her off and told her to leave my room. She carried on so I screeched at her to get out. I think she called me a cunt as she stormed out and slammed her bedroom door. Yeah I’m a cunt because I’m very clearly fucking struggling with life ATM and she knows this because I’ve told her this. She knows about my doctors appointments and stuff.

But whatever. I’m not apologising for telling her to leave my room.

Morning looms closer!