Fuck it’s cold!

Monday I woke up exhausted. I felt like I had not slept whatsoever. I had a really odd dream which I can’t even recall now. Work was ok. Manager is back from her holiday so I feel safe now she’s back. When she’s away I feel like I have no buffer between the people who expect my team (aka me) to do things I shouldn’t be doing, and myself. I sometimes get backed into a corner to do things and I don’t like that. So yay for her arrival!

He rung me again. Left a few voicemails. I listened this time. One was about 5 minutes long. He seems to have calmed down a little. He reckons he accepts my decision but I’m doubtful.

Scarlett did her Book Advent for Day 11. Her book was On A Pirate Ship.

Watched criminal minds followed by Blindspot then I got into bed at 11.

Tuesday I felt better as I had slept okay. However I had a random arse dream about Scarlett’s sperm donor. I dreamt me and Scarlett were on on holiday staying in some motel in America. He turned up. I was like wtf you doing here? He said he wanted to see her. I was like but why now? Why here? We’re on holiday, how did you find us? Was so weird!

I got caught short at work today. I have the coil fitted (as previously mentioned in my post about how traumatised getting it fitted I was lol) and I totally skipped a period. Which I figured was them stopping as it’s common with the coil for them to stop. And I was at month 6 so yeah, I assumed. Never assume! I had nothing. I repeat, nothing in my handbag. So I had to trek in the -2 temperatures, with no coat, down the road to the local shop at 10am. Luckily I got there and back in 10 minutes and didn’t slip over on any ice. Winning! At lunch my manager asked me if I wanted to come to Matalan with her. So we went. I bought myself a coat – mom said she’d buy me one for xmas so if I see one and get it she’ll give me the money. I also got Scarlett some fluffy pyjamas as her room gets so cold in the night. Her GroEgg changes colours dependent on the temperature. It’s red if it’s too hot and orange if it’s just right. Well apparently it goes blue if it’s too cold. It’s been blue every morning so far. I’m tempted to set my alarm to go in her room at 4am and put the heater on low till we get up. But I don’t know. May try her throat out.

Anyways, I got some fluffy socks for myself and Scarlett a Christmas cup. I spent like £80 in less than 20 minutes. This is why I usually stay at my desk and watch TV. Cheaper lol

Today Scarlett asked me to sit in the back of the car with her. She wanted her blanket on her legs and to hold my hand. So that’s what we did. On our way home we looked at all the Christmas lights. It’s become routine now. She loves them.

She had her dinner whilst I showered. She sat so nicely eating whilst my mom made tea and I was in the shower. She then had her bath and then we did Book Advent for Day 12. Today’s book was Little Bear’s Big Adventure. After her bottle she went up to bed.

I watched Once Upon A Time then some more Grimm. Now I’m in bed ready to sleep. So tired!

TTFN x

Advertisements

Okay, not single

So we talked. We agreed we both need to do more and be better. I’d had a long ass week at work. So had he. I’m worried about my impending scan (waiting for the letter). Christmas is coming. Money!

Saturday morning Scarlett gave me an epic lay-in. She woke up at 9am. I was like woah! She got up and had her bottle. We watched teletubbies then we had breakfast. She went down for a nap at 11am. Mom and I started tidying my room. It’s been too long since I did it. I managed to get rid of 3 bags of unwanted clothes – both mine and Scarlett’s. Also 2 bags of rubbish. And some recyclables. Overall we did well. She woke up at half 1. We got dressed and headed to my nans for lunch and a cup of tea. We ended up being there until 6pm. Scarlett had dinner there then we headed home. I still had some bits to do in my room so once she was in bed I ate, caught up with Inhumans then headed upstairs to finish. My room looks so much better now.

Today she woke up at half 7. She had a bottle and we played then breakfast. We got dressed and then my mom dropped us at the station. We got to Eastleigh at 10:30. She was a bit shy at first as we don’t see my dad and family that often. She was fine after a while. We had lunch at 12ish then we went to the park behind my Dad’s house. Then we wandered to the lake before heading back.

She was tired so I got her to lay down on a blanket in the front room. She nodded off pretty quick. We left her to nap. We convened in the kitchen. She woke up and they all had dinner (I don’t like gammon so I just had some mash). Then they had pecan pie and custard. Apparently she likes it as she ate all her pudding. We grabbed our stuff at 4:45 and set off for the train station.

We got on the train at 5:15 and were back in Farnborough by 6:05. Mom hadn’t eaten (and neither had I) so we got food on our way home. We ate. Scarlett helped lol she got in the bath at 7:30. I had a shower then I did her bottle and she went to bed at 8. She was out like a light, bless her.

I got into bed at half 9. I found my Fitbit charger so that was on charge after I showered. It had been flashing red at me all day so I had fully expected it to die all day.

Payday tomorrow. Can finally get some of my Christmas shopping done on Saturday. I have 1/3 left to do. Some is online so will get it ordered. We’re taking her to see santa on Saturday. I wonder if she’ll cry like she did last year lol

I’m waiting patiently for my urgent scan referral letter. Hopefully I get that tomorrow. The sooner it’s done, the better I’ll feel.

TTFN x

Ps. There is 28 days till Christmas!!!!

Thank god I am single!

Yesterday was hectic. We got so close to loading Air at work but hit a brick wall, again. It’s so frustrating. I’ve done my part and filled out my import spreadsheets but someone somewhere else hasn’t done their part so it cannot be loaded yet.

Brett FaceTimed Scarlett at 6ish and then I bathed her then put her to bed. I watched some TV and ate my dinner. I messaged him at half 8 to see if he was ok. He’d had a shit day at work, he’d told me in the day. He said no he wasn’t so I asked what’s up? He said don’t worry about it I cba. Meaning it was a long story and he didn’t wanna get in to it. So I called him to say a proper Hey and he was really rude to me. He was like what do you want? He hung up when I was mid sentence. So I messaged him to say he didn’t need to hang up, I’d talk to him tomorrow as he’s clearly busyand he can explain why his day was shit. If he wanted. He went off on one. Started saying I was being difficult and I should just leave him alone when he’s got the hump. And just being absolutely ridiculous. I just sat there reading what he was saying I just felt so drained. Relationships aren’t perfect, I get that. Everyone disagrees. No one agrees with everything. But we are just so up and down, constantly. No matter how much he tells me arguing is normal, it’s not. It drains me. And I just sat there and I realised I didn’t want this anymore. It wasn’t worth the fighting. So I blocked communication and went to bed.

Today I woke up and it took me a while to remember what had occurred. And do you know what, I found myself not caring. I just got up and did the same things I do everyday. Nothing had significantly changed except inside my head. I felt relieved. I didn’t feel drained or boggled. I just felt “okay”. I had taken my ring off the night before. I glanced at it on the side and reminded myself to put it somewhere better than my bedside table. He may ask for it back if he ever tries to chase me. I don’t want him to. I don’t expect him to. But he does know where I am and he may turn up on my doorstep.

I went to work and I had a stressful mid-morning with air. Banged my head against the wall a lot. Afternoon was a laugh though. I helped my manager sort out Secret Santa. I sort of know the person I matched with so that’s good.

After work we headed to the social club for my cousin’s birthday. She is 4 today so her mom has thrown a party. There was a bouncy castle and lots of soft play toys. Scarlett dived straight into the buffet and spent 20 minutes walking around eating a biscuit watching everyone playing. She did a disgusting stinky poo and I had no wipes (I’d come from work) and I reasoned changing her now was a waste of happy as she was soon going home for a bath. So we braved the stench and drove home at 10 to 6. She got straight in the bath. I got in with her. She’s getting better at playing in the bath water whilst I wash my hair under the shower. Once we were both clean we got out. Went downstairs for a cup of tea. She helped my mom eat her dinner (Scarlett had already had her dinner at Nursery). Usually she goes to bed at 7 as she’s shattered but she was happy and playing nicely so I let her stay up. My mom’s friend was here so she was entertaining her. I put her to bed at 8:30. She’s so funny that kid!

My mom, my brother’s girlfriend and me watched Jack Reacher 2 whilst I ate my dinner. Now I’m in bed. Tomorrow I’m going to blitz my room for Christmas. As well as Scarlett’s. I’m living in a mess and it’s doing me no good seeing it every day!

I’m reading again so I’m going to read a bit then go to bed. I’m reading Shadow Demons (Peachville High Demons #4).

TTFN x

Hump day again

Tuesday the temp at work picked me up in the morning. She got a little lost so she was late but we still managed to get to work on time, just!

After work we went home and Scarlett finished eating her dinner. She had a bath followed by a bottle then I put her to bed. She didn’t settle straight away. She was awake for about a hour after bedtime.

My brother and I caught up with Inhumans on TiVo. I went up to bed at 10ish.

Today I had the Doctors. I’ve been having problems with one of my boobs for a while. I have quite big boobs so I’ve always experienced “issues” with them. Naturally they are heavy and finding bras that fit and are supportive enough is challenging. But recently, in the last few months, one boob (the left) has been giving me a dull achy feeling and I can feel “something” when I check it out. Also, the pain spread to my armpit but I did put that down to my bra digging in. Because that sounds completely logical, right? Well I had it looked at. The doctor said it’s very obvious by her just looking at them that the left one is swollen, bigger than the other one. When she checked she said it felt much heavier, harder and distinctively different to the other one. So she’s referring me for an urgent ultrasound to see what’s going on. She says I should have a letter for a date within 10 days. She thinks it could be hormonal changes from having the coil fitted 6 months ago. She was concerned that I could be pregnant, as hormonal changes in pregnancy could easily account for the breast changes. However I explained about having the coil and she said that it’s not 100% (nothing is) so to take a test to be sure. I took one this evening and it was negative, which I knew it would be. So that’s ruled that one. Hopefully the scan will reveal more. I’m not “overly” worried as I’m doing the right thing, I’ve gotten checked and they’re sending me for more checkups and if it’s anything sinister then I’ll know and can act accordingly. But honestly, I don’t think it is the big C. It’s most likely a cyst or something. I’ve had a cyst before. When I was 18 I had my boob checked (right one that time) and it was a cyst which went away on it’s own.

I’ve just finished watching Once Upon a Time. I’ve just climbed into bed (even though it’s only 9:30pm). I’m going to play my game and hopefully get some sleep as I just feel so tired today.

TTFN x

It’s the weekend!!!

Wednesday I had a shower then some food. I didn’t watch Doc Martin because last weeks episode was the finale apparently. That annoyed me.

Thursday was just so long. Brett started speaking to me. I watched riverdale during my lunch break. It’s getting interesting. Brett FaceTimed to speak to Scarlett before she went to bed. I watched Emmerdale then I finished watching the Assassin’s Creed movie. It’s not that bad actually considering it’s derived from a video game!

Friday (today) I didn’t want to get up. My head felt heavy and I felt really off balance. I went in to wake Scarlett. She didn’t want to get up either. It was pyjama day for Children in Need so I got her in some clean pyjamas but she was really upset. She was crying and kept trying to hug me, cling on to me. I took her downstairs to do her bottle and make my lunch for Work. She wouldn’t be put down. Normally she will sit on the sofa watching teletubbies. I’d make her bottle and she’d drink it whilst I make my lunch. Not today. Today she wanted to be near me. So I ended up having her sat on the kitchen worktop whilst I made my sandwiches next to her. She had her bottle in the car in the end. I went to work and my mom drove her to Nursery.

The nursery called me at 2:30 to ask if Scarlett was able to have her face painted, due to her eczema. I said she should be fine. So they painted her face and I was sent some pictures on Tapestry to view. She looked cute!

We managed to get to the station for 10 last 5. But we missed the 5:15 train. We got on the 5:30 train but it had an extra change. It had a change at Woking as well as Clapham. Which is fine. We got off at 6:45. Scarlett didn’t need dinner so Brett bathed her and I did her bottle. She went to bed at 8:15ish. She was flat out. We ate our dinner. We had fish and chips. Well I had saveloy as I don’t like fish. It was nice.

I went into Bretts bedroom to get ready for bed. I flicked the lamp on low because unlike my house, Scarlett has to share Brett’s room. I went to take my jeans off and kicked his weights that’s on the floor. I knew I couldn’t make a sound. Instead I just stood there glaring angrily at myself in his mirror waiting for the throbbing pain to subside. I’ve checked the damage and it doesn’t look like it’s done much. If it’ll bruise, it’ll come out tomorrow. So we’ll see. Can’t believe it did.

Scarlett snoring. Brett’s faffing then he’ll be coming to bed. I’m so tired and I’ve got this pain in my head that won’t go away.

TTFN x

Wednesday, again.

Monday I woke up with a headache, still. Work was busy. I was locked out of the database when I got in to work. So I had to phone IT and get that sorted. Had to catch up on all of the things from Friday I had uploaded. Brett and I had a row. He is now not talking to me so I am in for one quiet week #goals

Tuesday our new temp started. She was told to come in at 9am on her first day. This was to give us an hour to make sure everything was up-to-date and working for her. But she was told 8am by her agency so she showed up too early. Her laptop was suppose to be up and running but it wasn’t. IT had crashed the day before so they must’ve spent all day fixing that instead. So she had no access to the internet so she was unable to sign into Maximo nor use her emails nor use our shared drive. It was ridiculous. I watched Lucifer on my lunch break and Once upon a time before watching Bridget Jones’ Baby in bed.

Today I just did not want to get up. I just feel so mentally drained. I really need to find a new job. There is a potential role in Camberley. The guy sent my CV over to the client so we’ll see what happens.

I got the photo’s back over the weekend from Scarlett’s Milk and Cookies shoot. Above is just a few favourites for a sneak peak.

Tonight I am going to put Scarlett to bed then have a nice hot shower and then catch up with Doc Martin at 9pm. I have just still got a headache and it’s doing my head in [excuse the pun].

TTFN x

Part-Time Working Mummy Fest

Friday I got up for work and mom said she was dropping Scarlett at Nursery. So we bundled her in the car and set off. i got a McDonald’s breakfast to tide me over for the busy day ahead.

My mom picked me up at 1pm as I had Scarlett’s Nursery consultation for her yearly review. She is smashing life. She’s so bright and is on par, and slightly above for her milestones. This includes emotional, social, developmental and educational. Basically everything. She’s such a super star!!!

I had to pick up my night guard retainer from the dentist so we swung by then I grabbed lunch from the shop next door and headed back to work. I managed to do all this within my 1 hour lunch break. Skills!

My mom picked me up from work at 5 like usual. We went home. I bathed Scarlett and got her ready for bed. I threw some bits in a bag for her and then put some bits in my bag for me. We went to my nan’s house as she was sleeping over there. We stayed until my nan got in at 7ish then we set off.

We drove for an hour then stopped at services for a wee and dinner then we carried on. We arrived at about 10. We parked up then went to our room. It wasn’t bad. It was clean and decently sized. We shared a drink and watched Emmerdale in bed then we went to sleep.

Saturday we got up at about 8. I had a shower then we checked out and headed for breakfast. We found a Wetherspoons so we ate there. I phoned my nan to check on Scarlett. She said she went to bed at 8 and woke up at 7:30am. She’s fine. She’s had her bottle and some breakfast. I knew she’d be fine. She loves her Nana.

After we ate we walked to the Crowne Plaza Hotel in the city centre for the Part-Time Working Mummy show that started at 10:30am.

It was fab. Rachaele (part-time working mummy) is just brilliant. She’s so down to earth and the things she’s been through, just horrendous. But you wouldn’t know it because she’s so kind and funny and real. We picked up our free cupcakes (I got one for Scarlett too) and then we browsed the merchandise stalls. I got a PTWM t-shirt, wrist band and badge. I won some earrings on the tombola. My mom got a plaque, a wrist band and a badge too.

We got back to the car at 1:45pm and headed off for Home. We stopped for food about half hour away from home and finally got back at 4:30pm. I had proper missed Scarlett and I totally feel like my weekend with her will feel so short. But it’s only one time and she had a blast with my grandparents. She loves them.

We had a quick cup of tea then we headed home. I bathed her and got her ready for bed. She went to bed at 7:15 as she was shattered. I climbed into bed myself and watched a film. I watched Miss Peregine’s Home for Peculiar Children. It was weird but good.

Today Scarlett woke up at like 6:30. But she was just singing and chatting to herself so I left her. She eventually got up properly at 7:45. She had a bottle and then some breakfast whilst we watched Postman Pat the movie. She likes Postman Pat. After that finished I took her up at 10 for a nap. She slept till 12ish. In that 2 hours I laid in bed watching Doctor Stranger. Had wanted to see it for ages.

We got dressed and then we headed to my Nan’s house for dinner. She was cooking a Sunday roast.

We ate. Scarlett played a bit. I washed up and my Grandad dried up. Like normal. Then we headed home. Scarlett watched some teletubbies then I took her up for an afternoon nap. Wasn’t sure if she’d go down or not. It was 3ish. She did but it took her ages to drop off. I think I fell asleep as I was laid on my bed playing a game on my phone, listening to her singing etc. Next thing I know it’s almost 5 and she’s shouting lol

She had some supper. Skips, a cake and some fruit. We had a bath together at 7 then my mom dressed her whilst I washed my hair and got out. She went to bed at 7:45 so later than usual but only by 45 minutes. She didn’t take long to get to sleep. I had some supper with my mom then I went up to bed. I watched Captain America 3. It felt familiar in parts, like I’d seen bits before.

I’m now laid in bed. I’ve had a headache all day. I took paracetamol this morning and then ibuprofen this evening. Nothing is helping. Hopefully it goes after a good nights sleep.

TTFN x

Ps. Scarlett’s milk and cookies photoshoot pictures came back. I’ve downloaded them. I’m ready to post them online in December. So excited for Christmas!!