Fed up

Didn’t get up to much Thursday. Mom worked so I didn’t go bingo. Plus I’m too skint to go anyway.

Friday I went shopping with my Nan and I fed Scarlett in the cafe whilst having some lunch. At 1:30 Nan and I took Scarlett next door to the baby clinic to have her weighed. She’s only gained 13oz in 3 weeks so a health visitor came over and spoke to me. She says that the milk she is on isn’t right for her (it seems it to me) and that I need to change her to the normal baby milk (same brand) and she should start to 1) drink more as its a thinner consistency and 2) gain more weight. They recommended that and to come back to weigh her in a month.

So Nan and I popped back in to Morrison’s to get her 2 tins of then recommended milk then we went to her house. Scarlett was due a feed by the time we’d gotten home as she feeds every two hours. I figured I might as well try her on the new milk now. So I gave her a 3oz bottle which she drank, but you could tell it was under sufferance. She later had a 3oz but only drank 2oz then again she had 3oz but only drank 1.5oz. At bed time she had a 3oz of hungry baby milk but she only drank 2oz. Cried for almost an hour then just went to sleep. In total she had only had 16oz all day. It’s not a lot.

Saturday we went out for breakfast with my moms friends. She had a feed (of the SMA pro) at 7am – 3oz, then another whilst out for breakfast. Again she took 3oz. She took another 3oz at 12:30pm then another at 2pm and another at 5:30pm but at 6:45pm she only took 2oz and at 8:30pm I made her a 3oz Extra Hungry Infant feed up and she only took 1.5oz. Cried for half hour then went to sleep and slept all night till 6:30am Sunday.

We went to my nan’s Saturday. She was out all day in London with her friend but my grandad was around. He was off out when we arrived. He was taking the dog over to my aunts and they were going to take the kids and the dog in a nice walk because the weather was nice. We tagged along and ended up walking for almost 2 hours. The twins loved it in the woods. Scarlett slept the entire walk and only woke up on our way home. We stopped for dinner then finally got home.

Sunday she woke up at 6:30am. She had 4oz of the SMA Pro. Then went back to sleep till 10ish. She had 3oz at 10:30am then she had 3oz at 1:15pm before we had dinner. After dinner she had 2oz of a 3oz bottle then again at 6:30pm she only drank 2oz. She had a huge poop at 7 then a bath. I fed her again at 8:30 but all she drank was 1.5oz and by 9:30 she was flat out sleeping. You can guarantee she’ll sleep all night like usual even thou she’s only had 15.5oz today. I feel like I’m starving her but she clearly doesn’t want any more. The Health Visitor told me that if she’s having the thinner milk in the day then she’ll 1) have more of it so she’ll be waning to up the oz per feed and 2) she’ll then gain more weight per month. They lied. It’s thinner, yes, you can tell because she chokes on it a little as it just pour out the teat more than the other milk. But does she want more of it? Does she heck!!!

I’m so worried about her because obviously I’ve swapped her milk over and the nighttime screaming only started when I switched it. And there’s been some things on facebook about the SMA Pro formula having the ingredients changed and it’s been making some babies very unwell. I’m worried that I’m knowingly poisoning her. I’d be devastated if I gave her this milk under health visitor advisement and she ended up in hospital. I feel like a failure sometimes as it is so that would NOT help those feelings.

If she doesn’t start taking more of this milk this week (I.e. Actually drinking the whole 3oz when I make it) then I’m going to take her to the baby clinic near my house and speak to them there, see what they suggest. I mean, she IS gaining weight as she gained 13oz but on the chart it doesn’t look great as she’s dropped on the centile thing. Whatever the fuck that is. This parenting lark is so emotional and it’s harder for me because I’m not an emotional person whatsoever. I used to never cry unless I was very angry and that was simply because I’d have no other way to express my frustration etc. But now I cry whenever I think about what the HV said and I cry whenever I think about how I’m only a single parent simply because HE didn’t want to take responsibility. People keep asking me about it. As if anything will have changed since they last asked me. No he hasn’t got in touch. As far as I know he could be dead, moved countries or married now (doubtful, he clearly has issues with any type of commitment). I wish people would stop asking about him. It’s not what I want to talk about. It’s bad enough that Scarlett will ask me in time. But I have time for that. But it’s all still so new and fresh him doing what he did. I mean, it’s not even been a year since I found out I was pregnant lol

Anyway, it’s a new day tomorrow. She’s going to be 10 weeks. She has tried to roll this week. She managed it once in the bed at night but I think it was more the fact my mattress is memory foam so I sink, which makes my side lower so I think that helped her as she rolled “down” if that makes sense lol

I’m off to bed. She’s flat out.

TTFN x

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