Feeling crappy

I feel a bit crappy today. I signed up to a site last week that’s for making friends in your local area. It can be used as a dating site but that’s not the primary objective. I put on my profile that I’m just lookingto make friends etc and I started talking to a really nice guy who’s fairly local. I explained my situation, with Scarlett and her dad not being around etc. We chatted a bit online then we swapped numbers (big deal as I never give mine out). He’s very handsome and a really nice genuine guy. He asked me if he needed to get a car seat for when we’ve spent enough time together that I’m comfortable enough to introduce my daughter to him. A (almost) complete stranger is asking if he needs a car seat for my baby!?!? It hit home that that is something her dad should’ve been doing. He should be asking if he needs a car seat for his car. Why did I end up as a single parent? And why is it I get judged for it?

I’ve had so many people ask me how long I’ve been single and truthfully it’s 4 years. So they then ask me how I’ve got a newborn. So I explain that he and I were just seeing each other. And people make so many comments about how people shouldn’t have casual sex nowadays and like its my own fault for ending up on my own. So no one questions his behaviour, just my scandalous sexual encounter.

Usually stuff doesn’t bother me. But I do feel sad for her that she has grandparents and probably aunts and uncles that don’t even know she exists, all because he couldn’t deal with what happened. His actions have had massive consequences that effected so many without them even realising.

It breaks my heart to think she’ll never know those people. She’ll never really knows where she comes from. She’s bound to ask and I’ve no idea what I’m meant to say. I don’t want to be bitter (over his behaviour towards me, or what’s happened) but I also don’t want to lie to her about why he isn’t part of her life. It’s a tough decision to make. Luckily I have a whole as she won’t be asking until she’s at leash speaking lol

Most of my worries and anxieties today are probably just hormones. I fear I may be due on my first postpartum period soon. I am NOT looking forward to that!

Scarlett was 7 weeks old yesterday. Can’t believe she’s been here for almost 2 months now!!! Crazy!!! I love her so much. She was so grumpy yesterday. Took her ages to settle after crying on and off for an hour. I think she was constipated because she did a huge poop then I gave her a bath, fed her then and finally she settled for the night.

She’s officially been sleeping through the night for an entire week. She sleeps from 11pm-ish fill 7:30-8am. I love it. I can’t believe she’s started doing it. I was fine getting up at 4am with her. It wasn’t a bad night when she was sleeping from 11pm anyway. But it’s nice to sleep 6-8 hours uninterrupted. Except tonight, I can’t sleep. It’s almost 4am!!!

TTFN x

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