4am

Well technically it is nearly 5am but I’ll settle for 4am. What I would really like to be doing right now is sleeping. However due to the fact I was a lazy bitch today, and didn’t wake up till almost 2 in the afternoon, I am not exactly tired. That’s unsurprising, obviously. The problem is, I could’ve easily laid in my bed for most this night discussing all the random waffle that come into my mind. The problem is: I’m alone. There’s no one to waffle to. Everyone I know is asleep because they work. And to be fair, even those who don’t work or don’t get up that early for work, wouldn’t usually be awake at 4-almost-5am. That’s perfectly reasonable, most days I’m fast asleep by now too.

Being unemployed means I spend a lot of time thinking. That is the worst thing I could do. I also spend too much time looking at other people’s lives on facebook etc. Everyone seems to be announcing new news every day. Whether it be a first or new pregnancy. An engagement, a wedding date or a new relationship. A new house. Anything monumental and “rite-of-passage” type, they’re all announcing it.
Me? Nothing to announce. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking for things to happen to me just so I can report them on facebook for others. I don’t live my life for others. Instead I want to be able to find myself sitting at a table eating dinner thinking thoughtfully “I have a lovely man in my life, I really do”. Or even just be able to say that I have a decent job that I quite like.

I’m not desperate for a guy. I’ve managed almost 3 years without one but I do think it’s time I stop being such a singleton and let myself dream about the possibility of a guy wanting to get to know me. It’s hard to put yourself in that vulnerable position again. I certainly use humour to hide that part of me.

Funnily though, I’ve been talking a lot to my blind date guy. We chat on the phone for hours. Now that’s a big deal to me because I abhor speaking on phones. But when I talk to him I don’t mind. We always have lots to talk about too. We have banter and laughs. I feel that even IF we never do make it out of the friend-with-occasional-sex-zone it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. He seems like a good friend and I’d like him to stay that if we never get any further than friends.

I watched the film The Theory of Everything tonight and it was truly inspiring. The things Stephen Hawking went through, when he was in his prime, is heartbreaking but also shows spirit. MND is a nasty disease but the doctors were wrong back in 1963, he has lived for longer than his original 2 year diagnosis. He’s beyond intelligent which amazes me. Not because of the MND. He was Einstein clever before his diagnosis. No what amazes me is the simple fact that he IS a genuine genius. I’ve always heard Albert Einstein’s name twinned with any comments regarding “genius” but he seems so far in the past whereas Stephen is still very much alive!

How weird, I’m starting to feel sleepy now so I’ll tell you about a film I want to see after I saw it trailer, then I’ll go go bed.
The film is called Kingsman: The Secret Service. It looks pretty rad and it has some badass British actors in it so that’s always a win (being a British citizen myself). I intend to watch it when it comes out on January 29th. That’s only just over a week away. I can’t wait.

TTFN x

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