I say quarter because I thought if I said “mid” people would be like “wtf you’re only 22, unless you die at 44 you’re not in your midlife”. Which is true. However that said, no ever actually knows what their midlife is until they die. Because then you’d halve it and that’s your midlife lol
Anyways, it’s not so much a crisis but more of a “Je ne sais pas ce que” which is French for “I don’t know what”. Which is true, I don’t. And I don’t even know if I can even begin to articulate what I mean or want to say.
First of: college.
Last year I had been unemployed for months and I felt like crap. I was bored and in a rut. When the careers lady at the JC told me about possible courses to go to university I was interested because it was something to do. I didn’t realise this at the time, the fact I was only bothered because I was desperate I mean, so I followed it up and got enrolled. Everything was fine-ish, until Christmas and the class work was hard, I was no longer working so I was penniless and struggling to get to college and pay my few bills. By the next year I’d realised that deep down, I didn’t want to be a nurse. But most importantly, I didn’t think I’d be able to be a nurse. I’m not a people person. I’m a loner. I like my own company.
I thought about dropping out of college this year and perhaps picking it up again in September depending how I felt but the college doesn’t allow that. My only option was to drop 2 classes and do them in September, making me a part-time student. This seemed like a good idea. I’d have time to breathe and less work to worry about. So after half term my new, lighter timetable started and I was feeling refreshed with new studious energy. Until, that is, I actually attended my remaining classes and I realised college wasn’t where I wanted to be.
The question is, though, WHERE DO I WANT TO BE?? I really don’t know.
Now this leads on/back to to another thing bothering me.
I was searching Facebook for something or someone, I can’t remember, and I came across someone I use to know. Curiosity lead me to a lot of old school mates and various people my age that I knew. I suddenly realised something; I peaked in “high school”. Whenever I think back to my teenage years, up to 17, I was pretty, hot, popular (sort of) and had a handful of close-ish friends. But now? What have I achieved in the last 7 years since I left school? Nothing. Not a single thing. Many old classmates seem to have gotten married, had children (yes, plural) or gone to college then to university (living a whole other exciting life away from this town).
Me: I’ve been stuck here, in this shit hole of a town, more or less unemployed on/off the whole time, no children or anything like that. No significant achievements, at all. All I’ve got is an ex who I set the precedent for with women, and not in a good way, now he thinks all girls are like me – I broke him. And I didn’t cheat on him or anything, I was just myself which is a scary thought. Another ex who cheated on me and had a child with the woman he slept with. A so-called friend who had a whole other life that I wasn’t privy to and I unknowingly became the “other woman” and a so-called friend who abused my position as a friend for the first 6 months he knew me, which coincided with an awful time in his life and now barely talks to me unless I make the effort and often still doesn’t reply then.
I don’t know if I need to get away from this town or what. Something needs to change but I just don’t know where to start.
I’ve been looking at administrative jobs around here but also further afield, and I hope something comes up. If I can get back into admin and permanently then I’d be okay, I think. I do enjoy working on computers and that.
I have class tomorrow but I don’t want to waste 90 minutes of life when all I really want is to talk to my tutor, who happens to be my teacher for that class.
Perhaps I could skip class, go to college to hand back my library books and then catch her on her way out of the class. Sounds mad as she’d automatically ask why I never came to class but once we’ve spoken she’ll understand why, surely?
That’s my plan I think. Worth a try.
Anyway I think this post is about as close to my feelings as anyone can get so I’ll leave it at that.